life... my life

think warm thoughts

2005-11-16T22:29:00.000-06:00

today i thought about moving to FL.
it's freakin cold.
snow flurries and 15 degree windchill.
burrrrrrrrrrrr.

no need to argue

2005-11-07T14:28:00.000-06:00

Last Friday, I ran across a 72 year old man sitting on his front porch. I ended up talking to him (or rather listening to him) for about 20 minutes. He talked about Jesus Christ and many of his interpretations of scripture. (And some of them were quite bizarre, as far as I'm concerned.) He introduced himself as a reverend and then told me he was a bishop. He said many things that actually made me sad, because there was no room for grace in his theology. I wanted to ask him what he thought happened when Jesus died on the cross, and what it meant that the curtain was torn in two? I decided that it was best not to question him or tell him that I did not agree, but just to be a listening ear. I did tell him that I was a believer and that he did not need to share the gospel with me. But seriously, I think he may have had some mental illness. I ended the conversation. politely, after he told me that the Lord gave him the ability to raise people from the dead. He said something to the effect of the police brought him some bodies in body bags and he unzipped them and welcomed the people back. I mean, how do you tell a 72 year old man (who obviously needs someone to listen to him talk) that you think he’s crazy.

butts

2005-11-04T11:41:00.000-06:00

Since this has become my medium for disclosure of strange quirks, I thought I'd post about my strange desire to pinch or slap others butts.

Sometimes people I don't even know. Most of the time, regardless if I know them or not, people with whom it would be completely inappropriate.

I mean, I walk around the office and see butts everywhere. I just want to give everyone a nice slap on the booty. I refrain. But I'm grossly aware of my bizzare urge to pinch anothers butt.

Any suggestions? Any others out there like me?

Chicago Rox

2005-10-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

Go SOX!

parenting

2005-10-25T15:12:00.000-05:00

I used to be fully scared of having children, because I was sure that I would completely mess them up.
Yes.
Being responsible for another being's life in every way possible =
pretty much the scariest responsibility ever.

But lately I keep thinking how good I would be at it.
I'm sure that being surrounded by parents who have slim to nil parenting skills will do that to you. In fact, I often want to take over when I'm with a family whose adults are not playing their part.

There are so many children out there who have parents that suck or have no parents at all. They need good parents. Not that I'm in the position to do so, but I keep thinking, why would I want to bring more children into the world? I never would have guessed it, but I think that if I am remain unmarried, I may still get my license and become a foster parent.

Many things to ponder.
First, I'd have to be living on my own.
(So, my lovely roommates, don't worry.)

ghettofied

2005-10-19T12:19:00.000-05:00

I would like to declare that I am now completely ghettofied. Ghettofied, you ask… what does that mean? Well, it is a word that I am making up for my car. Yesterday, who knows how, my car started purring, loudly. The kids I was transporting were asking questions about why it was so loud. Questions, of course, I could not answer. I suppose that there is a hole somewhere in my exhaust system. And I think to myself, when should one start caring and/or completely stop caring about their car? I already have numerous dents and scratches. There is a crazy loud thump when one turns a corner in my beloved car. Not to mention the sounds of it struggling to run (I don’t think it is struggling though. Maybe my car is trying to speak to me, saying, please, take care of me.) The blower motor for the air/heat, it makes some funny noises too. Is it time to put some serious money into the car to make it run/look better? Or is it time to just declare it ghettofied and laugh with each new character building fault? One of my co-workers just made fun of my car for the shattered glass remnants still on the floor from my break-in back in February.

I don’t know, what do you think?

I was told yesterday by a friend, that he didn’t think it was going to blow up and for that I’m thankful.

coffee

2005-10-05T10:55:00.000-05:00

addiction or no addiction.
i don't know that i NEED coffee, but i sure do like it.
and today i laughed at myself when i was telling myself why i deserved to be treated to a nice cup of coffee. i laughed because i realized that i am able to come up with a good and valid and raher convincing reason to treat myself to coffee every day.
i raise my cup... to me.
and my iced carmel latte.
yummy.

early early mornings

2005-10-04T11:01:00.000-05:00

ok, so i admit that an early morning to me is not as early as most of my friends have to get up. but i think we all know how much mornings and erin don't get along. seriously, i left my house this morning at 7:45 for a meeting. (meaning, i had to get up before that.) i don't even usually get up for a while after that action. (i'm sure you are all feeling sorry for me.) i left the house without makeup on because i thought, skrew it, its too early. i was sleepy the whole way there. then i decided to go ahead and put some makeup on in my car right before i entered the school, so at least i had a shred of hope that i would not be viewed as a new 8th grade student. the meeting, it went ok. sometimes i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing. i guess it keeps me on my toes. oh yes.
all i'm saying is that i'm learning more and more how much i don't like to get up in the morn.
i tried so hard to go to bed early last night, knowing that i had to get up early and then next thing i knew, it was midnight. dang it.
note to self: do not schedule early morning meetings unless you have no other choice.

the long awaited...

2005-09-27T23:25:00.000-05:00

going to the ER is a funny thing. tonight i got wheeled around in a wheel chair, when i was perfectly capable of walking. i laid in a hospital bed (because it was there) and the nurse put guard rails up on both sides of me, as if i was going to roll off the bed. and there was some minor drama when i couldn't get my earring out of my ear for the x-rays. the doctor helped me (even though i'm quite sure he'd never worked an earring before in his life) and it hurt.
but just so everyone knows. I'm FINE.
though, i do have some whiplash. i got rear-ended something fierce.
and i have a perscription of valuim, for which i was strictly instructed not to drive.
each of the five or so people who worked with me tonight said something to the effect of, "it'll be worse tomorrow."
sweet... something to look forward to.
the nurse gave me a doctors note to miss up to 3 days of work. ha ha.
i think i'm going to go to bed now. if you could feel the rocks in my shoulders, you'd know why.

family dinner

2005-09-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

Some phrases I heard a dinner tonight…
>please don’t stand up in your chair
>do not put your food on other people’s plates
>do not play with your food (as the child was putting shells and cheese on each fingertip)
>you don’t need another spoon, you already have two in your hand
>stop throwing your food
>stop throwing your peas back in the serving dish

Some things I saw at dinner tonight...
>two different children plugging their nose while eating peas (because they didn’t like them)
>one child spit a mouthful of chicken back onto his plate (for some unknown reason)
>peas flying onto different peoples plates and serving dishes
>a family of 8 (plus me) enjoying each others company

I like a little chaos at dinner. It's much better than eating by oneself in front of the TV.

I'm sure I've missed a few key points of the experience, but nonetheless...

If you didn’t guess, one of my foster families invited me to dinner, since I was there at dinner time. The children in their home both biological and foster are ages: 11, 9, 7, 2, 2, 1. Can you imagine? This woman makes me want to be a mom, for real. She is a super star (and a half).

also, one of the bio children (age 7) said "this is a good place for fosters becuase there is alot going on." (as i was swinging on a swing with 3 children and watching 2 others.) i thought that was really cute. not PC, but really cute.

Just for the record though, I think today's experience showed that I personally could not handle 6 children at once.

Oh and one more thing. On this day, it was the first time that one of the 2 year olds had pooped in the potty. Excitment and cheers could probably be heard around the neighborhood, as the family (ok maybe just the parents) celebrated this great accomplishement.

voices

2005-08-25T22:01:00.000-05:00

have you ever spoken with someone on the phone and pictured them in your head...then when you meet them, you are a little thrown off by it?

let me give you two examples.
1. tonight i was shocked when i met this man that i've been speaking with for about 8 months. he's a therapist for one of my cases. i totally pictured him as a man about 50, really introspective looking (you know, the kind who srunches their eyes and puts their fingers to their chin). i would have said he was a little bit overweight with salt and pepper hair (more salt than pepper). in fact, he's probably somewhere around 35, kinda short, brown hair nicely styled and ladies and gentlemen, he had on hot pants. light yellow with grey pinstripes. can you say different than expected?

who knows where these pictures in our heads come from. i'm not sure that a voice can really tell you that much, but my mind tells me what they look like, until i meet them and everything changes.

2. several months ago i had been speaking with another therapist for another case. i would have guessed her to be about 28 and tiny with short dark brown hair. why? i don't know. in fact, she is somewhere around 53 and a bit overweight, with long salt and pepper hair always in a bun.

this just struck me tonight, and i found it very interesting.
i wonder how many people picture me as this older woman with big red bushy hair (or something.)

2005-08-25T15:21:00.000-05:00

i'm such a sick and nasty person.
i think i may have blogged a few months ago about my awful eating habits (i.e. fast food for most meals). so i did that 10 day cleansing fast... which was awesome (hard, but awesome). i was on a kick to eat healthy and to be intentional about what foods i was putting into my body.
down the drain its gone since then... in the past 24 hours i've only eaten McDonald's and desserts. Not ok. Fast food is how i live my life. i hate it, but right now its just the plain old truth.
if you see me, make sure to remind me that eating fast food all the time is a disgusting habit.
thanks.

babies

2005-08-23T22:33:00.000-05:00

I think there must be something in the water these days that is making people get pregnant. (i realize that other things must happen for one to get pregnant, but seriously...) it seems that people are getting preggers left and right these days. i can't think of one person who said they were trying to get pregnant (but as a side note: they are all claiming to be happy about it regardless.)
congrats to all you wonderful people out there who are with child. may the force be with you. (smile)

2005-08-18T09:20:00.000-05:00

I got this in an email and thought it was worth passing along:
Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5. It is a natural byproduct of a person living within the Spirit of God. Loving God results in our loving others and showing kindness toward everyone. William Penn left us this classic prayer:

"If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."

And Mother Teresa gave us this assessment of hurting people:

"Hungry not only for bread, but hungry for love.
Naked not only for clothing, but naked for human dignity and respect.
Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks, but homeless because of rejection."

Jesus invited everyone to his side. He associated with hurting people. He showed compassion especially to the needy. He expects his followers to follow his example.

Other thoughts:
Last night I recognized two of the erins within me, battling against each other. My buddy took me out for coffee to a sweet place with a cool open mic set. But I suppose that is beside the point. I was standing in line for the drinks when it hit me. One of the erins has pretty high cleanliness standards. The other erin is more of a hippy character who could care less about germs. I wanted to turn my head and not care when the guy behind the counter (who was rolling silverware) stopped to scratch his head with both hands for about a minute. But the other part of me was really sicked out by his lack of cleanliness standards.
All I’m saying is that I need to be hitting up more open mic nights.

intellect

2005-08-17T12:43:00.000-05:00

the other day i was chatting with a childhood friend. i told him that he was one of the smartest people i know. he laughed, thanked me for the compliment, and told me he'd like to take me out so that i could meet more people. that's the thing though. i don't necessarily want to know more people with equal or higher intelligence than him. i like to surround myself with people of about equal intelligence to me. that's what i told him. who wants to live their life feeling dumb all the time because they can't keep up with the conversation or don't care to.
i don't consider myself to be a dumb girl, but i'm also not scholarly. i have the ability to think analytically and often do. but i enjoy a conversation about the lastest good movie just as much as a conversation about a hot issue in the news. in fact movies may be more preferable at this point since i probably couldn't tell you anything that is happening in the news right now. maybe that does make me silly... but i think i'm ok with it.

i'd also like to mention (at the risk of seeming proud) that i think i do a pretty good job reading people. i think i have good insight. this is what i love about my close friendships. there is just something very refreshing about knowing someone really well.
to all you soulmate friends of mine, you are deeply loved.

conversations in the car

2005-08-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

i've found, after several years of youth ministry and a few months of case management, that car rides are really good for conversations. the kids can't get away from you... (insert evil laugh). but seriously, i think they like the car rides too. one on one time. often times i'm surprised that the kid will initiate a fairly deep conversation or ask questions pressing on their minds/hearts. it's one of the coolest thing about working with this age group. It’s amazing how you spend a little time with them and show that you care and a substantial amount of trust builds up.

today i spent several hours with an 11 year old boy.
we actually had some good conversations (or should i say, he asked me some good questions and i struggled to know how to answer them in order to tell him just enough but not too much). the first thing he asked me during our car ride was something to the effect of, If you had your own kids would you let them take meds? (you could say, i wasn’t expecting that one.)

one sorta funny little convo...
…
Chris: I wish I had a million dollars.
Erin: What would you do with a million dollars?
Chris: I would probably give a lot of it away.
Erin: That's pretty cool. Would you give me any?
Chris: Yeah. (thinking deeply) as my caseworker (still thinking) i'd give you about $200.
Erin: Well, thanks.
Chris: That way you could get cable.
Erin: (laughing) You remember that I don't have cable?
Chris: Yes I remember. I have comcast digital cable and it’s really cool.
…

Also, a big CONGRATS to my momma. She completed her Master's Degree tonight. (and i must say her final presentation was spectacular). Way to go little lady!

The Squirrel

2005-08-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

Tonight, upon arrival home from work, I walked in to hear a scratching noise coming from the kitchen. When I walked back there I expected to find one of my roommates making dinner, but no, there is a squirrel pacing back and forth on the window ledge. AHHHH. I freaked out. At times I act very tough and all together when I’m not, but if you could have seen me all alone in the apt with the squirrel, I’m sure you would’ve laughed. I called both the girls trying to figure out what to do. I called one of my male friends to come over and save the day. I kept peeking my head in the kitchen fully prepared to run swiftly though the apt if it jumped at me. I was quite SCARED. I don’t know much about squirrels but I know they are capable of biting and scratching. So, naturally I took my keys and my phone and waited on the front porch until my roommates got home. (It didn’t take too long because they were in route to the homestead when I first called them.) Right when the rescuer arrived, the squirrel had just put a larger hole in the screen and made its way to the outside ledge. I closed the kitchen window. Saved! No squirrel attacks today.

I, in no way, envy the fear that the squirrel must have been feeling… TRAPPED in a strange environment… At a loss as to how to get out of the hole that it created in the first place. (I’m guessing that squirrel’s brains/memories aren’t too big.) A big crazy female human periodically poking her head in the room to do God knows what. That thing was probably pretty close to a heart attack.

I’m glad that he (or she) is now safely back in the outside world.

The Bitch Face

2005-08-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight, it was brought to my attention, yet again, that people who don’t know me well, think I’m a jerk. Those who are unfamiliar with my facial expressions assume I do not like them. Probably that and the fact that I’m pretty quiet around people I don’t know. Generally, when I feel most uncomfortable is when I make others feel that way (I’m learning). I don’t mean to. That which we are unfamiliar with makes us scared. Ok, maybe that is a little extreme, but it generally makes others think that I don’t like them or they become intimidated by me. (I have to note here that this is generally the female population we’re talking about.) I apologize to all those who fall victim to it. I must say though, that people who do know me well, have grown to love the mean stare or the way I answer the phone “angrily.” I’ve tried in the past to become more self-aware. Many friends and roommates have also tried to help me become more self-aware. Yet the bitch face prevails. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll try to work on it again. But to all those who are wondering if I like you… I probably have no beef with you. I can’t think of too many people that I don’t like.

2005-08-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

Part of me still feels like i should be embarrassed about what i'm about to discuss. The other part of me says, embrace yourself and your cheesy quirks.

I suppose it is no longer a secret that i like cheesy movies. Really cheesy movies. Really like them. There is something about a completely-impossible-high-school-romance that gets me going.

Ha ha. Some of you might think that i'm kidding. But alas, i am not. I don't really know what it is. But i sit there with a cheesy grin on my face just feeling happy. So i will continue to watch these movies.

And i'm ok with watching them by myself too. (i realize that this may be the case even if it isn't my choice, because others just don't share my joy in the cheez.) I just did (watch one of those movies by myself). and i'm happy.

blogging slump

2005-07-24T23:56:00.000-05:00

i used to sit in an office with little to do other than think all day about both interesting and ridiculous things. i was known to post three or four blog entries a day. i am glad that i no longer have that job for more than one reason but one to note is that it seems unhealthy for me to have that much time to think about things. yes... my brain already over analyzes just about everything... i don't need the extra time to allow myself to turn psychotic. on the other hand, i fear that i have lost that analytical spirit and don't think good thoughts much anymore. i find myself getting dumber as time goes on and think i should go back to school or something. i don't ever really want to go back to school as far as i can tell (although that could be the burn-out still speaking.) i did want to say today that i feel really good. i feel what seem to be true joy. i feel refreshed and excited about life. i don't think i get to feel this way very often so i want to fully embrace it. i want to stay up and be happy. ha. (i also think i drank coffee too late tonight.)
but i also really have quite a bit i need to accomplish before going to bed tonight so i should stop doing this and head into my room.

gray hairs

2005-07-19T00:23:00.000-05:00

last week one of the kids that i work with pulled out a couple of my gray hairs while she was ever so nicely fixing my hair. then she and i found it good to pass the time by pulling out my gray hairs while we waiting for her sister. which left me wanting to pull more and more out, as if as some point they might all be gone. i mean for years i've been letting the grays grow. they aren't even that noticable unless you start really looking. but i've found myself pulling a few out here and a few out there. tonight i stood in front of the mirror and pulled out 20 or so before i realized, they are not all going to come out and this is a bad idea. now, not only am i going to have gray hairs, but i'm going to have lots of little short gray hairs that are probably sticking up, because who here has noticed that gray hairs are wirey? yuck, in their own beautiful sort of way. i'm only a quarter of a century years old, dang.

2005-07-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting here struggling. trying to figure out how to share what is on my heart. how do i explain my latest thoughts and feelings? how do i put in words what is swirling around in my head. i can only think so much before i just want to give up and go to bed. i'm not depressed. i know this to be true. but my head is filled with lots of questions. questions that i think i'm afraid to answer. what if i find answers that will force me to change. its too scary. but its so necessary.

i'm curious (if anyone still looks at my blog) to know what you would say "the church" is. what is the church as God intended? what is it supposed to look like today? are we supposed to have these big buildings where we gather on sunday mornings to "worship"? i'm not so sure we are. but is it too crazy to try to sway from that?
weekly meetings. accountability. right now these thoughts make me feel sick to my stomach. i know that they were not intended to do so. am i so skewed in my thinking or do we as a people really have it all wrong? why after 24 years of church am i again questioning the way we do things.

for the last few months i've been feeling... i suppose "church" and most activities included in organized christianity started to feel very stifling. very overwhelming. very obligatory. i don't want it to feel like this thing that i am checking off my list each sunday and tuesday. like i have to complete these tasks. i don't feel like there is anything in me to give, and at the same time i am not open enough to gain. i might be a drama queen because that late statement is not entirely true, but when one is freaking out, one takes things to the extremes. i am most definitely both giving and receiving. i have mostly questions. but it just seemed right after much thought and some prayer to take a break from it all. so this is what i do. i break.

there is the possibility that this questioning is masking something else. i need to get to the bottom of this. am i running from something? am i mad at God for something? i don't know, but i do know that not having time to process through these things will not help. so i pray this night, yet again, that i am wise in my break. that i seek hard after the Lord and his desires for me. show me God what it is that you long to see here on this crazy earth. help me to catch your vision and find my place in it.

ramblings

2005-07-17T00:12:00.000-05:00

sometimes one has to make a clean break between ones head and ones heart. sometimes a separation of thoughts from feelings is good. sometimes what you know and what you feel are at odds with one another and it seems they may never have harmony. so, one must make a decision... which will they go with? the mind or the heart.

sometimes you get to watch and listen to someone play music and it just makes you happy. i was able to go watch this band tonight that left me smiling. they were enjoying themselves. they were making fun sounds. people were groovin'. it's summer people. it's the time of year when we are outside, sweating like crazy, and loving it. i am thankful for instruments and voices and sound equiptment that make concerts possible. good times. i decided tonight that mason jennings is cool. (i'm quite sure i'm behind the times, but...)

after that i watched and listened to some guys who made me laugh. also a good experience but not quite the same. we heard about 2.5 songs and left to get ice cream, a summer staple, instead. i was wondering what had happened to the spin doctors... and now, after hearing 2.5 songs, i'm not so concerned. that is one new album i know that i won't be purchasing.

do you ever watch something and then decide you should take up the hobby. i watched "save the last dance" again the other night, and thought i should start dancing again. tonight while watching mason jennings i thought, gosh i think i'll go home and practice the guitar. none of these things will probably happen, but the thoughts are nice. (smile)

who knew

2005-07-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

i had a rough weekend. i went to my parents house to rid it of me. ha, ok, not really. my parents are moving so i had the job of going home and packing up all my stuff. it was hard to do. and its amazing how much "stuff" i still had there. i threw many boxes of stuff away. i packed up some stuff to keep in the attic (why i don't know, but my mom wouldn't let me get rid of everything). i cried quite a bit. i cried when i saw my dad cleaning out the attic. i cried when i sat out on the back porch. i cried when i walked down to the pond. (i'm crying as i type this.) i cried when i walked out of my room for the last time. i cried as i drove away. its too wierd.
i only lived in that house for one year before i went off to college, but it has been my home... my stable place throughout all my instability for the last 8 years. i don' t like the thought of having to get directions the next time i go to visit my parents. i suppose its not that big of a deal, but today i feel sorta sad about it.
i'm going to praise the lord for the ability to feel. i am thankful that we humans are created as emotional beings. the ups and downs are what make life so beautiful.

sleepiness

2005-07-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

do you ever just want to sleep more than anything else?
do you ever make it possible for yourself?
last night i felt tired and sad so i decided just to lay down... at about 8:00.
i had a few tears and then fell asleep.
i got up this morning at 6:45.
now that is what i call a good nights sleep.
although it is already 8:25 and i still feel a little groggy.
coffee. coffee is calling me. that would require me to get off my bum and get some.

today holds a good stong work day... hopefully not too much drama... and then lawn seats for alison krauss. yummy.

prayer is a wonderful thing. my lord is a wonderful thing. he will get me through this day.

gross, i think

2005-07-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

today around 11:30 am, i got a chicken strips meal from Arby's. i ate half of the fries and half of the chicken. (it was too much.) then when i got back into my car around 5:30 pm, i thought, "i'm hungry," and i ate the rest of it. it was a little soggy, but still OK.
i felt like that was strange enough to share with people.

today is the day

2005-06-30T11:25:00.000-05:00

Happy 24 and 11 month birthday Mary.
One month until the quarter of a century bday.
Live it up sister.

hum.........

2005-06-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just want to do NOTHING productive? Do you ever feel completely content to sit around and eat and laugh? That is how I feel today. Give me a comfortable couch some good eats and some good friends, I’m happy. Because of course, laughter will ensue. I love to laugh. I love to hear others laugh. I love to see others smile. I like to make others smile. I also love the sun and the stars. Sometimes I make myself laugh. Actually, all the time I do. This is what is so good about me. I’m ridiculously ridiculous. I laugh at myself, out loud, regularly. I also talk to myself pretty regularly. I like to whisper. I love mindless movies. A good book is nice, if I can actually start reading it. I love the beach at night, walking in the moonlight. I like being outside. I like being inside too. I like connecting with people. I like meeting people who know they are awkward and embrace it. I like meeting really unique people. I like meeting really normal people too. I like a good warm cup of coffee on a cool morning or night. I like a good cold cup of coffee on a hot day too. I like old friends. I like new friends. I like a good dark venue with an awesome live band. I like being apart of something that makes someone else really happy. I really like swimming, especially naked. Yep, that is a wonderful feeling. I like a good night’s sleep. I like strange dreams and trying to analyze them. I love to dance. I love kids and their fresh view on life. I like feeling princess-like. Life is good.

Well, that went quite a different way than planned. God is good. He reminds me of all the good things in life when I feel a bit down or confused. Seriously, I was thinking of posting my most recent questions about life… and out came a list of things I like. Wonderful. And with a lighter load I retire.

2005-06-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

"Batman Begins" rocks my socks off.
I wanna see it again. :o)

being comfortable

2005-06-17T00:31:00.000-05:00

tonight i realized something about myself. i feel comfortable making others feel uncomfortable. i'm sure that sounds awful, but hear me out. i like to talk about poop and the like because it is not "socially acceptable." i think i do it to protect myself from uncomfortable situations. if i make the uncomfortable comfortable, then i feel comfortable. maybe that is strange. but i think this is quite an amazing insight into myself. i like to point out gross things about myself (that others would not) because then it's out in the open, everyone knows i'm gross, and i don't have to act like it's not true.
i just watched the movie hitch. and now i'm analyzing myself in terms of dating. now this is a scary subject (and potentially funny).
if i can make myself feel normal in the midst of all my idiosyncrasies then i can breathe. but then the other is completely turned off. i need help.
i'm thinking of several specific instances. there was the time when i made sure to point out what i thought was ring worm on my arm to a guy. or the time that i specifically pointed out that i drooled on myself. i know that these things are not attractive. Ahhh! (i need to point out that in both of these situations i was not neccesarliy trying to pick these guys up, but still the principle remains. gosh, if i'm attracted to someone that is a whole different erin to analyze.)
i don't think i'm as gross as i make myself out to be. and i'm certainly not any grosser than the next. i just, for some reason, feel comfortable making others feel uncomfortable by presenting myself as some nasty girl who is really comfortable with her nastiness.
analyze that.

2005-06-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

first of all, on this fine summer night, i'd like to tell you that there are just some movies that should be seen on the big screen. episode III is one of them. i was able to see this movie the other night. i wouldn't consider myself a star wars lover or junkie and i don't even know that much about it, but i do enjoy them. one doesn't go to see this movie for its incredible acting, but i'll give it my two thumbs up. and i'd probably see it again (if someone else paid for it). man alive, movies these days are a pretty penny. now i'm looking forward to batman begins, who's with me?

second of all, who is excited that summer is here? i laid out today and got a little crispy. no, i didn't wear sun screen. but i did buy some on my way home from laying out for next time. always prepared. yes, i do have what some might call a slight obsession with my own skin being tan. tan is not what i'd call myself tonight though, i'm more a glowing red color. luckily it doesn't hurt, it just looks a little silly. and life goes on.

a shout out to june. may the summer months go slowly and the winter be held off as long as possible.

workaholic

2005-06-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

my job has made me a workaholic. i just turned in my time sheet for the last two weeks tonight as i was leaving the office at 10:30 pm. only 102 hours over that last two weeks (and that doesn't include anything that i do at home, because, what's the point, i'm salary.) i'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, i actually enjoy what i do. but i do miss my friends and all my old commitments. and i hate that when i'm getting home my roommates are going to bed.
i'm hanging on to some shred of hope that my load will soon be lighter.
so here's to the weekend... two days to relax to the max. i raise my cup to you, weekend.

doctors orders

2005-05-23T22:46:00.000-05:00

sometimes what one needs is a good night of pure silliness. life can get too serious sometimes. and being serious all the time is a downer. i mean, for real... there is a lot of serious shit happening all around us and it is easy for me to allow that to weigh me down until i'm not able to really enjoy little silly things.
(and let me just say praise the lord for the sunshine. yesssssss!)
i suppose there is a time and a place for the heavy thoughts, but sometimes it seems that i'd be content to be sorta mindless. then at the same time i sorta feel sorry for mindless people. i know, i know, we are all created in god's image and loved equally by him.
tonight, i was completely entertained by watching my feet dance in the mirror. now i realize that i am the one controlling the movement of my feet, but i was still enamored by them as they seemed to be trying to keep the beat by themsleves. and i thought, i'd like to share that joy with the blog world.
so live on my brothers and sisters. and here's to enjoying the silly little things in our lives.

wasted time and eternal love

2005-05-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

do you ever feel like you have wasted a lot of time longing for something specific that is not what god wants for you? i do.
do you ever feel like it is impossible to let go of that longing? i do.
do you ever want to just forget that its there and mask it with other things? i do.
do you ever then realize that doesn't work? i do.
do you ever feel like you make the same mistakes over and over again? i do.
do you ever feel overwhelmed by the grace of god and his eternal acceptace of you? i do.

the blues

2005-05-09T21:26:00.000-05:00

i was singing the blues all day long today. just feeling down. down. down. every little thing making it worse. not to mention it was dreary. praise the lord for good friends. one of my soul sisters was continually loving on me through email today. thank you.
then i ended my work day with an unannouced home visit to a family whose case might close completely this week. and the little kids made me really happy. they were so excited to see me. they sang along to the new song that they learned and did magic tricks. let me expound... the new song was a children's song teaching the french alphabet... very impressive. the magic trick consisted of making their arms disappear into their shirt. also very impressive, or so i led them to believe. along with numerous somersaults and lots of running around in circles. kids are so frickin' sweet.
tonight i'm actually enjoying the sound of the rain along with soft music.
and i just bought my tickets to go to FL in august. yeehaw.

2005-05-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

I sit here tonight, this beautiful night... and miss my friends in the old land. I miss the nights of sitting around, drinking coffee and just talking. The occational guitar or two picked up and played... background music, live. I miss college. I miss the summer after college. I miss Ohio. Why do I think about this more sometimes than others? I'm glad that I don't feel sadly like this very often anymore, but dang. Why does life change so much? Why do we get so close to people and then leave? Damien Rice is playing right now in the background. Yummy. His music is so great... but it may be adding to my sadness.
I know that things have changed. I know that change is often very good. I know that alot of the people I miss sharing regular daily life with are also no longer in that old land. No one is doing what they were doing then. Life goes on. Life changes. Life changes people. I know now why people say that college is when you make your life long friends. Those people who are around you when you are figuring out who you are. Fortunately, I have some close very close friends from after college too. I was still (and maybe still am) figuring that out. Do we ever really know? Do we ever feel fully content with ourselves and life for longer than a few days? Does satan gravitate to those who are feeling good? Why are feelings so strong? Feelings, these things that aren't nessecarily concrete, yet, oh so strong at times. Sometimes I want to stop feeling, but I've been there before too and if you haven't please don't wish it on yourself... numbness = awful. Although I guess it is a nice break sometimes. I don't know what I think tonight. That probably means I shouldn't be blogging, but a wise friend of mine used to tell me not to "should" on myself and I like to remember that, so I blog on blogger.
Tonight my roommate asked me if she could pray for me, no particular reason. How awesome is that? Tears streamed down my face. It is good to be loved and to love in return. Community, fellowship is one thing we are created for. In community we understand our father more. We understand more, his love for us. Us crazy humans, that are so beautiful because he created us that way. Wow, huh?!
I am loved. I am loved by THE God. And by many humans as well. For these things I am thankful. Yes, I am thankful.

pampered

2005-05-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

my buddy and i got pampered today. toes and fingers. yes, a pedicure and a manicure. i feel like a princess. i look pretty hot too. :o)
for anyone who has not had a pedicure... you must do so. male or female... i'm serious.

content

2005-05-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

do you ever just feel content?
i feel content.
not overly happy, not sad. just good. yes.
and now i think i'll spend some time by myself reading, journaling, thinking...
have a good night yourself, world.

one thing that makes me smile

2005-04-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

It happens a lot.
We (people) assume that everyone standing around us (even when we don't know them) is like us. Then we proceed to make a statement that may or may not be offensive to the people that we may or may not know.
The perfect example... I’ll only give one but several are flying through my mind. This one is not super offensive but someone said it to me the other day...I'm standing in this woman’s living room and her new foster children had just put on fake tattoos. She talks to the children about how they are more like daddy now. She laughs and then said to me, "Yeah, my husband in his younger, stupider days, thought it was cool to get tattoos. So he has a couple."
I laugh and think, she has no idea whether or not I have tattoos. I figured this was a non-issue and I wasn't hurt by it at all, so I let it slide. Other times I feel it necessary to warn my fellow person that they should be aware of their words and who their words might negatively affect.
I guess, since I’m talking, I should go ahead and get on my platform for a sec. The major one I feel we should be aware of is the topic of sexuality (making comments about homosexuality or purity). I’ve heard people say mean things about people who are not virgins or people who are gay. You just never know what those people around you are dealing with.
So let us just be nice.
Let us love one another fully.

new favorite

2005-04-06T21:41:00.000-05:00

i'm pretty sure i just officially declared myself a new favorite snack.
coffee ice cream with carmel syrup. Yummy! i am extremely thankful that God gave us taste buds. what if eating were just a chore to keep us alive? its pretty awesome that we get the opportunity to fully enjoy what goes into our mouths. Thanks God!

randomness is one of my spiritual gifts

2005-04-05T21:28:00.000-05:00

i guess i missed the memo that it is time to spring clean our closets. there are two piles of clothes to go through, not that i mind. and i should probably do the same, as well as get my summer clothes out, because it's about that time. yippee. the windows are open and the music is playin'. what joy fills my heart.

i was thinking today, that i should probably start paying more attention to what i'm putting in my body, as far as food goes. you see, i realized that i had not eaten any food at my house since thursday. yes indeed. friday: no breakfast, went out to lunch with my office and then didn't eat dinner until around 11:00 pm. and what was that, you ask, french fries from mcdonalds. then saturday: pizza from little ceasers for brunch and snack food at an early nineties party for dinner. sunday: no breakfast again, chipotle for lunch and wendy's for dinner. monday: no breakfast, taco bell for lunch, wendy's for dinner. tuesday: breakfast at mcdonalds and lunch at some pizza joint. tonight i finally ate some non-restaurant food. Mmmm.

i have been spending a significant amount of time in my car the last few days, in fact i've gone through a tank and a half of gas (or maybe more) in two days. scary. but the point of this tiny paragraph was to be about music. most of the time i have kids in the car with me so i listen to some awesome jiggity wiggity rap music. there were a few legs today when i was by myself and once i heard a meatloaf song. ha ha. i thought that was noteworthy.

you should all know that i'm also losing all intelligence once had. i can rarely think of an educated word to use in a sentence and i just used a cheer from high school to help me spell spiritual. "s-p-i-r-i-t, spirit, let's hear it."

with that being said. have a good one.

plaguing question causes pain

2005-03-30T23:54:00.000-06:00

ok seriously folks...
what does one do once one starts down the road of bad posture?
i find myself continuously slumped down so low, it's almost disgusting.
i'll think, "i need to work on my posture." but nothing so far has helped me actually work on it. i need help!

word vomit

2005-03-20T23:08:00.000-06:00

because my job is so hard on me i find that my weekends are almost like mini vacations. two days every week, where i don't think about the stress of work. i almost feel lazy because i don't want to do anything. i'm completely content to sleep in and lay on the couch all day. i keep thinking about a real vacation in the sun or in europe. am i alone in this? then comes sunday night when i almost don't want to go to bed because i know that when i wake up tomorrow starts five more days of what feels like continual stress.
this all coming from a girl who when asked would say that she likes her job. i know.
my prayer is that i will be able to give myself grace throughout the next few months as i continue to learn the many processes and procedures of illinois child welfare case managment. oh my. i strive to remember that my worth and dignity come from the Lord and no where else. he has blessed me with a job where i am allowed to work with people and potentially help them. it is good. and eventually i will learn how to handle all the unrealistic expectations put on me. (smile.)
tears are ok.
it is ok to feel.
in fact, it is good to feel.
to be numb is awful.
numb.
i remember this time last year i was pretty numb. i decided i didn't want to feel anymore, i was tired of all the crying. i was somehow able to shut it off, not knowing really when it would come back. on good friday 2004 i decided that i needed something new in my life. and what did i do with that thought you ask... i got a tattoo. hum. surprisingly enough i started feeling that next day. i wailed and cried as my feelings rushed back in. (and i'm not talking about physical feeling for anyone who was wondering if my tattoo hurt.)
i went home that night and my parents just sat in the living room with me and listened as i cried to them about my heart pain and fears. my parents are awesome. a shout out to them. seriously. thanks for loving me so. through thick and thin. good times and hard times.
ok, i think i'm going to start to try to settle down tonight. i have to be at court in the morning afterall.

it is holy week now. let us rememeber the love our our amazing lord.

kiddos

2005-03-19T15:33:00.000-06:00

i'm sitting here at home while my roommate babysits for our little 5 year old friend. i was painting my nails and drinking coffee like any good princess would. at the same time, i was delighted as i watched and listened to the ladies play pretend. how fun to watch a 24 year old and a 5 year old entertain each other. it's the little things in life.
earlier, i was also able to join them while they painted stones and turned them into magnents. it is nice to take a break from adult junk and enjoy a silly little art project.
i'll actually be babysitting some little ones tonight and now i look forward to it more than ever.

queen of the mini blog

2005-03-16T22:26:00.000-06:00

a quote from my boy, Richard Foster:
"when you are unable to put your spiritual life into drive, do not put it into reverse, put it into neutral. Trust is how you put your spiritual life in neutral. Trust is confidence in the character of God."
easier said than done. believe me, i know. but still good words.

weak heart

2005-03-15T12:53:00.000-06:00

I always thought I was pretty tough. But I've been quite surprised by my reaction to people being mean to me as of late. Today was the second time since I started this job that I had someone yell at me and then just hang up before I had a chance to say anything. The first time I was completly stressed out already and therefore I cried. Today, I hung my head and repeated to myself, "I am not a bad person, that was not personal." Geeze Louise, I'm not the bad guy here. Lord help me.

one of life's little dilemmas

2005-03-06T19:23:00.000-06:00

i always long for down time... i just want to have time when nothing is required of me. today i had that. all afternoon i had that. i went roller blading and sat down by the lake for a while reading. oh so nice and sunny today was. but then i got home at like 4:30 and wanted something to do. what the heck. why can't i just chill. i want to be alone and then i am alone and i want to be with people. maybe i'm just unpleaseable. hmmm. ok now there are people here and i can't think. so i'll have to write more later.

it's comical, you see

2005-03-03T20:14:00.000-06:00

Last night two more things "happened."
1. someone threw a rather large rock through the window of my car. i had four kids with me at the time (we weren't in the car). but as i drove them home we did get quite cold. burr.
2. i found out that i am the victim of identity theft. evidently the people who stole my wallet last week were able somehow to get ahold of my social security number and have opened credit cards in my name.

so i now have a brand new window for my car (i'm waiting on the body work that needs to be done), and my name and social security number are flagged. who knew how real this identity theft stuff really was?!

mary tells me its all uphill from here.
my parents are going to drive up this weekend so they can give me a hug. i can't wait.
but seriously. all you peps out there that are helping me out, a shout out to you. you are GREAT!

the voice of a lounge singer

2005-02-28T20:49:00.000-06:00

I was told today that I sound like a lounge singer (because my voice is so low).
"um, thanks." I said That, because he was paying me a compliment, he really likes my voice like this. I just think it sounds stuffed up and nasal-ly. The lounge singer component is added only when I cough my nasty cough that sounds like I've been smokin a pack a day for years.

Today I almost feel like I could conquer the world. It's funny, because I'm definitely not back to 100% yet, but since I Was feeling so awful this "so-so" feeling is like I'm on top of the world. I guess it's all about perspective. and I guess it's never bad to get that little reminder that it's all about perspective.

So I just wanted to tell the world Hello! "Hello, World!"

Something I choose to be glad about today: It's snowing
I could choose to be sad because I really really want it to be spring very very soon. But if I focus on that I will lead myself into a deep dark depression because it's not happening any time soon. And besides the snow is really pretty. So there.

there's just something about flowers

2005-02-25T17:36:00.000-06:00

What is it about flowers that make you feel better?
I have three different flower arrangements sitting on the dining room table.

I feel like I've been beaten up over the last couple weeks. First the emotional pain of losing a loved one, immediately followed by the theft of my wallet, immediately followed by severe flu. Yeah, I know, you all envy my week.

This blog wasn't to be about the pain though, but about the joy of flowers. Remember, all you people out there, how much joy flowers can bring a person when they are down.

And thanks to each of you who participated in my joy this week. Love you.

As for me, I'll be sitting here in the house trying to recover so that I can actually be a normal functioning person come Monday morning.

stupid people. argh!

2005-02-21T21:08:00.000-06:00

ok, so i find myself wanting to believe that people are basically good. but over and over i learn that "people" are not. i'm not saying that i want to give up on people all together, but dang. sometimes it feels like we'll get to a point in this world where we won't trust anyone. you are probably wondering what pushed me over the edge today. my wallet was stolen. right out of my purse. and it was in my desk, well hiden. someone actually went into my cubicle, under my desk and into my purse.
so i've called every credit card company that i can remember had plastic living in my wallet and as far as i know i'm ok. the theives tried to spend money but i've got good protection and now of course i've cancelled everything. i also filed a police report, just in case. silly me. so now my life shuts down. its no longer easy to get cash, without an atm card. i can't spend money on my credit card. i lost several gift cards (i think thats the saddest part, cause those won't be replaced). and my license and other identification. now i'm going to have to waste a day at the DMV. luckily my insurance cards and social security cards are tucked nicely in my room.
my roomies took me grocery shopping tonight. thanks girls. now i need to find a new wallet before all my new credit cards start coming in the mail. :o)
on with life. no major harm done.

2nd chances

2005-02-20T16:22:00.000-06:00

ok, i have to give some credit to my boy napoleon dynamite.
a shout out to you napoleon.
the first time i watched this movie i thought it was quite the waste of time even though i found myself quoting it quite often. i'm sure that has something to do with the trend of my world.
but i watched it again the other night with all my cousins. we all laughed alot. so i must give credit where credit is due. if you have not seen it, don't go in expecting much, cause well, you will be let down. but if you are in a goofy mood and wanting to watch a pointless but funny movie, i recommend. you must check out the deleted kickball game scene (we actually watched that scene a few times.) he he.

also check out this sight for some good laughs.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/ndsound.php

the end

2005-02-13T18:42:00.000-06:00

My Grandpa is in Heaven.

lost

2005-02-13T13:53:00.000-06:00

i'm lost.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i'm at my parents house today. i came home to celebrate my brother's birthday with him and my dad. my mom is in FL with my grandparents.
it seems lately that i cry more than i do anything else. that however is not reality. i know that its not. but since i've just finished another bout of tears, that is where my head is. so. my grandfather is doing really bad. he can't breathe very well and the decision makers are having a hard time deciding whether or not to put him back on the ventalator. first of all, his whole throat and mouth is scabbed up from the last time he had it in. second of all, if they put it in that creates more risk for his already weak heart. evidently he has tubes coming out of his body all over the place and he looks awful. and i just keep thinking, Lord, if you are going to take him, do it, this sucks. hes in so much pain. but he wants to live, hes fighting. even though his heart is barely beating, and hes gasping for air, and his blood pressure is extremely low.
did i mention that the decision makers are my mom and my aunt.
he has full cognition though.
gosh, i thought he was doing so much better. he WAS doing so much better. what happened? what does all this mean?
my poor grandma. i can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone for 55yrs and then be spending weeks at the hospital wondering whether or not your sweetie will ever be coming home again.
ah. tears.

i praise the Lord that there are no estranged relationships in my family. i praise the Lord that my grandfather knows and loves his heavenly father more than anything. i praise the Lord that when i my grandfather does die that he will be partying with Jesus for eternity. there are so many things to be thankful for. but still sadness overcomes me.

i want you to understand my grandpa though... my mom said that he is trying to communicate by pointing and writing on the white board. earlier today he kept pointing down and they didn't know what he was saying, so he wrote on the white board, "farts." he wanted them to know that he was farting. his soul is so young.

my prayer is for him to live. but Lord seriously, he's in so much pain, if he's coming home, bring him home already.

passed with flying colors

2005-02-01T09:16:00.000-06:00

i forgot to mention to you all that i passed my state licensure exam with lots of breathing room. now i just have to get my ID # and i'm official. yehaw!

on rest

2005-01-31T21:18:00.000-06:00

No teaching flowing out of the Sabbath principle is more important than the centrality of our resting in God. Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn to trust in a heavenly father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.
-Richard Foster, PRAYER

on picking noses and being a princess

2005-01-27T22:34:00.000-06:00

i'm a nose picker.
it's pretty sick, but i am.
i pick my nose. sometimes i wipe them, sometimes i flick them (depending on consistency). all i know is that i'm NOT ok with them being in my nose. if i have a kleenex i'll use it. but generally speaking, if i have to get up to get it, i'll just use my finger.
so, i was driving home from a visit today and it hit me. i'm a sick and nasty nose picker. i gross myself out and i'm probably grossing lots of other people in my life out but my disgusting habit. however, throughout the evening i have spoken with 4 separate adult people who also disclosed that they pick their noses. so at least i'm not alone in my nastiness. that in and of itself gives me the confidence to blog about it. it's also kinda funny, so i thought i'd share.

i also wanted to quote one of my girls tonight from bible study.
"We are all princesses, because God is our father and He is the King."
right on sista. i can flow wit dat.

tests.

2005-01-24T20:13:00.000-06:00

i don't know if i'm just really cocky or what. or maybe i'm still just extremely burnt out on being in school and have convinced myself that i don't need to learn any more. or i'm just lazy. or i'm just mighty intelligent. or i already know all this stuff. maybe a conbination.
but i have these two tests tomorrow morning. state licensure tests. of course tonight is the first night that i've "studied." but i have been sitting in training for the last two weeks. i seriously feel like all this material is common sense. it is basic social work knowledge and skills. i guess since i studied it for undergrad and graduate school it would feel like common sense. that determines it. i'm not super smart, (i don't even retain information very well) i'm just well versed in the topic.
i'm going to feel like an idiot when i fail these bad boys. (rest assured that i will delete this blog)
but anyway back to the monotony. back the couch. back to Kid A.
Review. Review. Review.

passions

2005-01-14T16:38:00.000-06:00

where do our passions come from? why are they so strong? what spurs us on to action? why does our heart ache about some things and not others? these are questions i found myself asking today.
i just completed my first week of DCFS foundations training. most of it is basically social work 101 but nonetheless good reminders of some of the stuff that we will be facing as child welfare workers and of course there is always new information to learn.
today i watched a video about developmentally delayed adults, questioning their ability to parent children. i found myself, with each new case presented, struggling to hold back an attack of tears (and the people on the video weren't even crying). the other day i almost lost it (you know, the big lump in the throat) when we watched a video about what it is like to be a child in the system, from a child's perspective. but yesterday we watched a video about victims of domestic violence and although i felt sick to my stomach for these women, there was not an emotional response on my end. what is it that makes me respond differently to these different injustices? i mean i didn't notice anyone else crying today, but yesterday yes.
part of me feels really glad that we are all here on earth with different passions and different issues that get us going, but i'm still questioning what causes that. what is it that makes me feel strongly about health care and education but not about abortion or gay marriage? i guess it might kill a person to feel and act passionately about every issue. what is my role?

i am very excited about being a social worker. this field is exactly where my heart is. although i am anticipating some extremely difficult situations. emotionally, ethically, spiritually.
my newest prayer for myself is that i will truly be able to be empathic and understanding with each person that comes into my life (in and out of work). that God will grant me incredible patience and love with both victims and abusers. every race, each gender. i know that He can and will use me in this job.

in other news. it is frickin' cold!! i'm gonna go wrap up in a blanket and relax before i go to the church for a night of chillin' with the high school kids. lata.

ramblings of this crazy girl

2005-01-10T20:45:00.000-06:00

well, it seems that life has gotten to be too busy lately to spend any significant time in front of the computer. i see why people thought i was a freakizoid computer geek before. but lets face it i sat in front of a computer all day with minimal work to do for work. lately, i'll get home at night and the last thing i want to do is respond to a bunch of emails and post a new blog. (i can't believe that just came out of my fingers.) it does however look like we might be moving the computer out of katherine's room, so therefore i'd be available for late computer time. since i go to bed later than the other girls in the house. ok, i'm already rambling about nothing. you see (allan) you really don't want me to post a new blog.
lets see... things to note.
*i haven't been to church since December 4th. so needless to say i'm really quite excited to be going back to my "family" this coming sunday.
*um... my first week of work was great. i am loving my new job. i met all my clients last week. i'm quite sure that i'll have stories galore. :)
*i've been reading out of Genesis lately. this does two things. 1. i'm actually reading my bible. 2. i'm reading the old testament. the message remix to be exact, petersons paraphrase, i likey.
*this week and next week i'm in DCFS (Dept of Children and Family Services) training for the State of IL. So far so good... but i did think that i was done with school. i guess my eternal burnout hasn't worn off yet.
*i finally found a 2005 planner that i think is worthy of use for an entire year. this really is a feat, you see, because i'm quite a picky girl.
*which brings me to my princessdom. i'm now officially a princess. i have become pickier and pickier until i'm so particular about things that it's almost ridiculous. (my mom told me this past weekend that i've always been this way. but i find it hard to believe that they would have put up with such a spoiled brat when i was at home.) when i returned home on sunday night from my final christmas 2004 shindig, i discovered that both my roommates are also princesses. and we all like to cuddle... this was noted because we were all intertwined on one couch. ha. girls.
*you guys, i'm wearing a pair of pink pants right now, and i love them. can you believe this? i bought pink pants! i'm still shocking myself. (i guess pink is another part of my princessdom.)
*also, you better all come to our holiday party (since we couldn't have one in December). i'm serious. we are really cool girls who deserve for our friends to surround us with their presence. so if you live in chicago (or not i guess) be there or be square. jan 22nd.

and now, since i'm sure anyone who was reading this is no longer... and since i have several other things i need to accomplish tonight, i will leave you all with this word...
Ahhh! (i guess it's more of a sound)

a dream

2005-01-05T10:31:00.000-06:00

i had a strange dream last night:
i dreamt that i was being chased by terrorists or something (actually one of them was the guy with the beard from that movie the saint). they led me into a room and i was on my knees, all three of them pointing guns at me. i started screaming out prayer to Jesus that he would protect me from evil, although if this was my time i was ready to meet him. And all of a sudden none of their guns worked. i kept praying, and then they were each on the floor holding their stomachs in agony. so i got up and handcuffed them all. (don't ask, it was a dream) i was leading them out of the room when all of a sudden there was some serious bomb going off, explosions and fire. none of the three men were fased, but i hit the deck. as i was on the floor i watched them all get up and walk toward the fire and disappear.
it was there in the dream when i woke up, heart racing, and thought, it's winter outside and i have a new job now. (i heard someone scraping their car and remembered that i don't have to be at work until 1:00 today.) so i bundled up, took the trash out and then spent a good 20 minutes performing a good scrape job on my car. that way, when i do go out to go to work with my business causal on, i can just brush off the snow that has fallen since then.
about this dream. two things.
one: i'm surprised at myself that i remembered to cry out to the Lord in such a time of distress. i hope that should i ever face a situation like that in real life that i will react in a similar way. (smile)
two: i think i may have watched too many "shoot 'em up" movies with my brother over christmas.

for anyone whom i've not discussed the new job with. it's going great. i'm jumping right in. i feel so much like this is exactly where God wants me. so many things are confirming and for that i praise Him. A gift.
let me use some words to describe what i'm anticipating. difficulty, challange, sadness, frustration, overwhelmedness, fear. isn't it funny that i can fully see each of those things for the near future, but i'm still so stoked about this job. if thats not strange i don't know what is. regardless, i really like my coworkers and the kiddos are adorable. i'm excited to see what God can do with and through me at Lydia.

home sweet home

2005-01-02T19:42:00.000-06:00

it has been 19 long days since i left this blessed place i call home. it is good to be back, although i'm struggling to know what to do with myself. so many options. i'm not really that tired because i stopped to take a nap today on the way home. and regardless i am picking katherine up at the airport in about 2 1/2 hours. so i thought, i'd try to blog. my two and a half weeks away were great. weddings, beaches, and beautiful friends. but i fear my ability to jump back into normal life. in fact it's a new normal life. i start my new job tomorrow. whew. i'm kinda wishing that i had just one more day, but no biggie. at this point i don't think it's a good idea for my mind to be idle, for it is a screwed up and sad place these days. i've had about 6 really really good cries in the last four days, and i don't think i'm done yet. in fact, as i sit here and think, tears well up. i think i should go. but, its good to be back home. a shout out to all my buddies. much love.

family family family

2004-12-19T22:31:00.000-06:00

what a wonderful weekend.
beautiful wedding. beautiful.
heather was so organized and so calm. she was a stunning princess and radiated joy all night long. such a fun reception too. lots of dancing. yehaw! and now the two of them are in jamaica. fun times. last night and today were great. family galore. i love my family. they are so much fun. sitting around and just laughing at each other and catching up. my buddy kara came over tonight to hang out for a while too. ah, the life. tomorrow is the trip to FL, and i'll be there for a week just chillin'.

a few things:
1. i did get a manicure and pedicure the other day. and yesterday my hair cut and styled and my makeup done. i guess i'm a princess after all. but each day, in the different salons i couldn't help thinking of steal magnolis.

2. my family likes to eat and we are all pretty blunt. i never thought of it before. we are each talking about how we're hungry all the time. we get done eating lunch and about an hour later we are wondering what time dinner will be. so funny. AND what is on our mind comes out. each is trying to help and be nice but it sometimes comes across very rudely.

3. heather and i have shared a room or bed for as long as i can remember on family vacations and family get-togethers. it's sad when i think about how that will never be the same, and i admit i've shed a few tears. now she'll be with brian and i guess i'll be sharing a room with my bro. but i am so excited for the two of them. it was fun to hear her last night as she kept saying "where's my husband?" he he. (i'll post pictures when i get back to chi-town in two weeks.)

i guess that's enough family blah blah for you all.
Merry Christmas!!
(who knows when i'll be on a computer next.)

stuff's going on

2004-12-17T11:11:00.000-06:00

i just slept like a baby and i feel good.
wednesday was my last day at bosca realty. weird. May 4, 2003 to December 15, 2004. and its over.
i left wednesday night after work and drove 6 hours to washington court house, OH. arrived at 1am went to sleep around 3:30 and woke up around 5:30. got up and headed to the airport. (thanks miss andrea for breakfast and the ride.) flew to atlanta, met my cousin charles and aunt barbara. i was able to hitch a ride with them in the rental rather than take all my luggage on the Marta. a huge blessing. and they are hilarious. yesterday i learned that i eat everything that is put in front of me. each plate that is placed before me is cleaned (if i like the food, of course). but seriously, i eat even if i'm not hungry, just because it's there. and i wonder why my mid-section is growing. hum.
but anyway, last night was the rehersal and dinner for heather and brian's wedding. it was really nice. and the dinner was superb. of course tears at the toasts. whew. when we got home around midnight, i was pooped. after two hours of sleep, a lot of social interaction and a little bit of emotion, i had some amazing rest, about 10 hours of it. yehaw. now i'll be heading off to the bridal luncheon and then to get a manicure and pedicure. this will be my first for both. i'm gonna have princess nails on the bottom and top. perfect for the wedding and then of course for my week in sunny FL. lots more family arrives today (including my parents and brother) in time for the wedding tomorrow. fun times had by all. it is so great to be with my family. we are weird and super fun all at the same time.
onward and upward.
check ya later.

EXTREME EXCITEMENT

2004-12-10T18:16:00.000-06:00

I GOT A NEW JOB.
I'm gonna be a real social worker.
I want to jump up and down, A LOT.

update:

2004-12-10T16:39:00.000-06:00

i spent three hours last night completely alone. and silent.
no phone, no music, no tv, no computer.
bliss.
i feel totally rejuvenated today.
i was even able to read and pray and think.
Praise the Lord.

also...
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRHTDAY to miss Katherine Hudson.
so excited to be sharing life with you, my dear.

is there something wrong with me?

2004-12-09T16:47:00.000-06:00

i've never thought of myself as a people pleaser. in fact when i've had this conversation with others in the past, they have told me that i'm not, but i don't know.
i do say no. i know that i do. but do i say no enough?
and when i say yes, is it because i'm trying to please someone else? i am not sure. i mean, i love almost everything that i do. and i can't imagine what i'd cut out if i were to cut something out. maybe i'm trying to please myself. hum... that wouldn't be surprising since i am mostly selfish in my dirty little heart.

introvert v. extrovert.
i'm generally happy to be around others, but it also drains me if i'm always around others. i think i'm a mix between the two, but i definitely need adequate alone time to function properly. something i fear i am not doing right now (functioning properly that is). i've been functioning like an extrovert and therefore have lost all ability to function like me. am i making any sense? plus i think i'm letting all the nasty hang out at home, my safe place. so let me apologize to my girls, katherine and mary. you are awesome for loving me in my crap.

bear with me as i try to figure myself out as i type.

i know that what i need most right now is:
down time.
time alone.
time to sit and think.
time to chill.
time to pray.
but when i have time, these things do not happen. there is always more to DO. (cakes to bake, phone calls to make, parties to attend, kids to pick up, meetings to go to, ect.) or i think, "i'll just close my eyes for a minute," and then bam it's the alarm going off in the morning. it's like i can't remember how to sit still. i can't remember how to process through my own mind. am i running from something? probably, but what? this is precisely why i need to sit and be still before the Lord.

i also have a tendancy to over-analyze things. i have to figure out the root cause. where this stems from. blah blah blah.

tonight i'll be home for about 3 hours by myself. this will be good. hopefully i can at least sit down and be still for a little bit of that time.

Also a Birthday SHOUT OUT to Mrs. Sarah Scadding. Happy 25th baby!

scams, it's all scams

2004-12-08T16:33:00.000-06:00

when i got my new phone i qualified for a mail in rebate of $50. i sent it in with all the other requirements. i just received it back saying i need to resumbit and include EVERYTHING again. this is where i think the scam comes in. i mean, i bet they bank on the idea that most people didn't make copies of the stuff they sent in. not to mention some stuff says it has to be the original, can't be a copy. what?! (sidenote: i can't remember if i made copies, i'm going to look when i get home tonight.) i'm frustrated because IF i didn't make copies, that's 50 bucks. hello! dang me!

on another topic completely.
i just got off the phone with a man from Lydia Home. he called to schedule a second interview with me. yes, evidently the interview i had yesterday went well. hum. i know for sure that the lady who interviewed me yesterday, called my references today. they must have said some nice things about me. thanks to all my references, you know who you are.
you guys, i might get a new job! ah, the excitment/fear. exciting because i'd finally be a real social worker. scary becuase my life as i know it would be completely different.
i'll keep you updated. (the next interview is on Friday at 8am.)

eight o' clock

2004-12-08T09:29:00.000-06:00

i just had one of those tv commercial moments. you know the ones where people can't do anything right until they've had their coffee. ( to view commercials referred to ) when i got to the office the first thing i did was walk right to the kitchen. ground beans. poured in the water. blah blah blah. i made coffee. then when it was done brewing i went over to pour myself some. evidently i didn't securely place the lid on the carafe because coffee went everywhere. (something i'm assuming wouldn't have happened had i already had my coffee, catch my drift?) ha.

ramblings of the cold

2004-12-07T15:25:00.000-06:00

it sit here with what i can only assume is a caffeine headache. i haven't had any coffee yet today. i don't feel funky, i just feel headachy. that and i keep yawning uncontrollably. yet still i haven't gotten up to make coffee. i don't particularly claim to be addicted. i mean i LOVE it. warm fuzzies, yes. but somedays i just don't want it, then frustration sets in because it seems i need it. and yes, i do get enough sleep.

does anyone else realize that it is almost 2005? i'm sorta freaked out by this. not because i don't think that 2004 has been a good year, i'm sure it has.. (sadly i can't remember much that happened before about july. i plan to sit down sometime and try to remember the years highlights and lowlights.) but i seriously think that somehow time has slipped by extremely quickly. argh! its ok.

i'm not exceptionally excited about the onset of winter. i'm not so sad about snow because it's really pretty. i'm just sad that so many days are wet and gray. gray is a pretty color on some, but its not the sky's best color, if you know what i mean. and this nasty rain. who's with me on wanting to curl up in front of the fire with good music or a good book. or sit on comfy couches with good friends or a good movie. blankets and hot cocoa. i'm thinking warm thoughts. Mmmm.

i have another job interview today. i don't know much about it, but the lady called yesterday and asked if i would like to interview. sure, why not. we shall see. it would be kinda sweet to return from the holidays to a start a new job. i bet being distracted with learning a new job would make one forget that it is nasty outside.

i hear myself and i realize that i sound sad. let me assure you, i'm not. i'm just dreaming of the hour when i'll be sitting at home with my beautiful roommates, in our cozy living room. rather than in the office in front of the computer.

a week from monday i'll be in FL. now that is something to look forward to. i can almost feel the sunshine warming me to the bone. that and i'll be with my family. that is exciting.

friends like family

2004-12-06T12:49:00.000-06:00

do ever meet people that you just instantly love?
last night mary and katherine and i spent the evening with allan, michael, chris and caleb. we shared a meal and then sat around drinking coffee and talking, fire in the fireplace. most of these guys i knew before or at least had met, but there was something about last night.

this morning someone asked me about my weekend. i thought about each thing that happened and when i came to sunday eve i smiled to myself.
it just felt like home. how often does that happen? a few 20 somethings sittin' around chattin' about life.
life in general, our lives.
hopes, dreams, fears.
serious and silly.
that's how its supposed to be i think.
just people caring for people.
talking, listening.
so thanks guys for a great night. we'll have you over sometime soon.
i raise my cup to more nights like these (especially since it will be insanely cold soon.)

thoughts on God

2004-12-03T16:57:00.000-06:00

And I quote:

I had no explanation for Laura. I don’t think there is an explanation. My belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific, and yet there was nothing I could do to separate myself from this belief. I think Laura was looking for something rational, because she believed that all things that were true were rational. But that isn’t the case. Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been in love, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Neither can beauty. Light cannot be proved scientifically, and yet we all believe in light and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that don’t make any sense. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn’t. He will make no more sense to me than I will make to an ant.

Donald Miller
Blue Like Jazz

who knew...

2004-12-01T01:24:00.000-06:00

last night i joined some friends at the corner pocket. i think i can call them friends now but i should probably say new friends, because out of the 8 people there, i met 6 of them last night. anyway, i guess i'm kinda a pool shark. who knew. i hit a mean cue ball. it's fun to win a game that you didn't know you were good at. ha.

it seems that i haven't really had much to say lately... i refuse to believe that it's a result of lack of thought. actually i think it is. i hate to admit it but mostly my mind is pretty empty these days.

here are some random thoughts from this morning:
~my morning coffee generally spurs cleansing me of what i ate the day before, if you know what i mean.
~sometimes when i'm in the bathroom i have good thoughts.
~my friend ang told me last night that i'm a good hugger. this really made me feel good since i've been specifically working on hugging more. we talked about cuddling and how much i like it. i really like to be touching someone most of the time. i think that physical touch is a strong love language for me.
~last thursday night i shared a bed with my little friend anna grace. she cuddled with me all night. it was awesome. it's so good to have little kids in your life. way to make a girl feel love miss anna bannana.
~i have some of the bestest buddies in the world. rock on with your bad selves, all you buddies of mine.
~my roomie katherine is about to join the world of 24.
~how does one keep their fingers warm when typing? i'm having a hard time with this today. i could sit on them to warm them up, but then i can't really do anything. delimma.
~ last night was our 2nd snow this year. it was beautiful. beautiful.
~it's refreshing to have an honest honest conversation with someone. i've had a few of these lately. it makes my heart smile to know that being real is cool. why is that we hide what we think so much?
~it's good to love and be loved.

Happy Wednesday afternoon to you all!
whoa, its december. crazy.

Q: How often should I change my pillows?

2004-11-30T16:36:00.000-06:00

I remember hearing something about how nastified our bed pillows get in a short period of time, which totally sicked me out. However, I have taken no action as of yet to replace the pillows that I've had for who knows how long. So I did some quick research on the subject. Here are 2 answers I found...

A1: We recommend that pillows be changed regularly - about 2-3 years for a quality pillow and every year for a budget pillow. Pillows build up large quantities of dirt, dust, dead skin and dust mites, so if you don't wash them every 6 months then you should replace them.

A2: We recommend that you replace your pillows at least every other year. The pillows are not exactly the best environment for dust mites, but they become a hygienic problem after several months because of the skin particles and oils left behind over time. You may disinfect your pillows with Mattress Spray every time you change the bedding, that helps to get rid of bacteria and viruses, especially in an area that's very close to your nose and mouth. To kill dust mites in your pillow, just put it in the freezer for an hour.

Who hears me on this? This is completely sick. I want to get myself some good quality pillows with the right kind of stuffing, but these things can add up you know. Thus, I will add to my list of car items and tools from last week. Santa, two new pillows, please.

stupid pieces of metal

2004-11-23T14:48:00.000-06:00

This drama queen has a hard time thinking rational thoughts.
Jumping to conclusions. Freaking out unnecessarily.

That was me this morning. When I went down to my car to go to work, it wouldn’t start. Click click click. Are you kidding me? I mean, this is never ending. I’m definitely getting rid of my car. It’s not worth it.
Called my boss to tell him I’d be late. Called every person I could think of and no one answered their phone until Dave. He was 30 minutes away, on his way to work. No problem, something will work out. Evidently he called one of the guys from our small group (whom I had already called.) Jon thought, dang if two people are calling me this early maybe I should answer it. He then got specific instructions on how to jump start a car from Dave, called me and headed over. In the meantime I called my Dad and cried, a lot. After the jump, it started right up. Whew. I was told to make sure it ran for as least a ½ hour, so I drove around aimlessly for about that amount of time. After the allotted time, I shut the car off. At this point I was in the parking lot at work. Just for kicks, I thought, I’ll start it back up again. NO! It did the same thing. Click click click. Completely bummed, I walked upstairs. Four men asked me what was wrong with my car and all concluded that it was probably the alternator. Crap. I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure it’s expensive. Bob said he’d look at it, give me a jump and follow me to the shop. However, when the hood was up he noticed that there was a broken piece of metal that connects my battery to something else. (Obviously, I have no idea what I’m talking about.) So we hopped in his car and headed to the hardware store, where I bought this little thing that cost $1.29. I can handle that. Bob replaced the cracked part with the new one. (I really wish I remembered what the part was so I don’t seem like such an imbecile.) It started right up after that. Praise the Lord. I didn’t even need another jump. I only spent $1.29. Bob got a big hug from me and I’m planning to make him some muffins for tomorrow morning.

I’ve decided not to go into all the thoughts I had and decisions I made this morning while sitting out in front of the house. I’m just extremely thankful that it’s all better now.

My Christmas wish list:
jumper cables
crescent wrench
a new tire (I do need a new tire)
If I got all three of those I’d be overjoyed.

A HUGE Thank You to
Dave for calling Jon and giving him instructions,
Jon for getting out of bed to come over and jump start my car,
Bob for fixing my car,
John for being so patient with me and all my problems and
my dad for always helping me to return to a rational state of being.
you guys are Grrrr-eat!

performer

2004-11-22T21:02:00.000-06:00

as a high school graduation gift, some of our family friends made a video of my "highlights" from growing up in church. katherine and i watched it tonight. hilarious. i'll have you all know that i was quite the little singer. we were both a little shocked at the number of times i was up on the platform at church. while i'm sure we are all pleased that this is not the case any longer, it did bring some smiles and laughter tonight.
much needed.
its the little things in life.

Christmas... I guess it's just in my blood

2004-11-19T15:26:00.000-06:00

you see, i keep telling people that i'm scrooge... but i think that era might be coming to an end.
my roommates are listening to christmas music and i don't want to throw up. i'm actually enjoying it, mostly.
i was downtown today and was so happy to see all the people and all the christmas decorations and the "big tree." the 13th Annual Magnificent Mile Lights Festival is tomorrow and i'm actually sad that i'll miss it. (big frown) what has come over me?
the marshall fields windows are done... this year snow white is the theme.
i can't believe it, i'm excited about christmas. lets put up a tree.
bring on the joy of the christmas season. yes, bring it on.

other things. i talked to my daddy yesterday. why is he so awesome? my family isn't getting together for thanksgiving this year, so ryan and i are heading home for the day sunday. i can't wait to see my parents and my brother. i love them so much. completely blessed i am.

this rain won't bring me down, no way jose.

happiness re: the weather

2004-11-18T09:50:00.000-06:00

does anyone else notice that it is in the 60s?
i am overjoyed. i mean i don't even care that its overcast and rainy (this is a big deal), because i don't need a coat. Woo Hoo!

last night i stepped outside to clip my claws when i realized that it was an amazing night so i went back upstairs and asked mary if she wanted to take a walk. she did. we did.
it was awesome. we walked around for about an hour or so. what a beautiful night. the ground is wet and the leaves are falling. the street lights glistening. and we just chatted as we walked. then we topped it all off with a few minutes of swinging on the swings at the park next door. it had been way too long since i'd been on a swing. Weeee!

"its a great day to be alive"
country songs have seemed to define my last few days. but travis tritt was running through my head last night and this morning. my mind then traveled back to the family houseboat trip from a few years ago. this was one of the theme songs that year, thanks to wendy and todd. so a shout out to you guys. and a shout out to mr. tritt.

today is hugging me and i like it.

live like you are dying

2004-11-17T16:53:00.000-06:00

(I heard these words from Tim McGraw...
about a man who is going to die soon.)
" Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity to think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can I do with with it, what would I do with it. "

so this got me to thinkin'. what if i lived like i was dying. there would be no more or at least much less holding back. (i'm still human.) what if i lived full force all the time. gave my all, all the time. everything would be experienced deeper. i would be more honest. i would love more fully. i would probably in turn hurt more deeply, or maybe not... because it wouldn't matter as much. i don't know. but if you think about this for a few minutes your mind goes in many different inspiring directions.

so thanks, tim.

i've been ski diving
i've been rocky mountain climbing (or at least rocky mountain hiking)
i've ridden a mechanical bull for much longer than 2.7 seconds (you do the best you can living in the city.)
but those other things... those more important things. those are the things that could use some work.
love deeper.
speak sweeter.
give forgivness more freely.

i'm not claiming to be void of love, sweetness and forgivness. i just thought, if i knew i was dying, if i was really aware of the fact that this life is short, things would be different.
so i'm going to try to be more aware of this.

hugs all around. hugs to all. maybe even some kisses.
and much more laughter.
more smiles.
more thankfulness.
more grace.
more joy.
more good conversations.

today is a good day.

a loss for words

2004-11-16T16:31:00.000-06:00

i had a great weekend with great people.
felt sad when they all left.
it's a weird problem i face every time i spend time with people from my old "home." i can't wait to see them, i have a great time with them, and then i bawl my eyes out when they leave. it's not that i really want to move back to OH. it's not that i don't love my life in Chicago. i'm not sure i can explain it. but it really does happen every time. it is that they're good people and so plesant to be around. this time i'm referring to my most recent visitors. heath, matthew and jared. but i could list off many more, those good friends that feel like family. a personality or a feel that comes with a group. its like insta-friend. does that make sense? i know this has nothing to do with me, but i AM super-blessed! this "blessed by people" thing is a theme in my life. i feel that way all the time. how in the world could i know, love, and be loved by so many great people? so i'll go back to the theme word: overwhelmed.

anyway. mary and i were talking last night about how much we loved that our house was full of people for the weekend. people that are easy to be around. people that are comfortable and safe. and how that's what we want our house to be.
a place where people come.
where people are welcome.
where people leave feeling blessed by friends.
where people make connections with other people.
no more of this trying to keep up with a friend from this part of life and a friend from that part of life... lets put them all together.
lets build a safe enviornment where we can all just let our hair down and be real and be love.

this IS possible you know. so onward and upward. time to continue building community.
so to all those who read this: our house is your house. for real.

erin, laura and jen. it was great to meet you. come again.
kat and mary. i love you and am continually blessed by how our lives connect.
heath, matthew and jared. my roommates and i just love you. please come again.

i put pictures up from the weekend too. check 'em out.

excellence

2004-11-13T22:54:00.000-06:00

it was MUSE
and it was good.

destruction

2004-11-11T14:44:00.000-06:00

do you ever want to be destructive?
do you ever just want to tear something apart?
not because you feel anger, just because its sitting there already broken.

i'm sure that intro makes me sound kinda psycho, but...

i was just sitting here putting endless labels on envelopes... when i picked up the little squishy thing that supposedly protects my dainty wrist from carpal tunnel syndrome. i tore it up. i pulled off the cover. ripped away the plastic. pulled out the squishy stuff and played with it for a while and then threw it away.
then i turned back to the task and hand and wondered to myself. self, why did you do that?
hum... lifes many questions.

solitude

2004-11-04T22:57:00.000-06:00

silence and solitude is so necessary.
so often this is what i need.
but it is what i fear.
being alone with myself and God. really alone.
no internet. no music. no conversations. no daydreams.
just me and God.
i don't want it, but i need it.

what i perceive vs. real truth

2004-11-03T11:48:00.000-06:00

I would like to try to relate my thoughts to Plato's Allegory of the Cave. Let's see how I do...
i guess what brings this on is my relalization of how ones surroundings truly affect their perception of reality. for instance, i live in a highly democratic city. i mean, lets just for arguments sake say everyone is chicago voted for kerry (which obviously isn't true.) it seemed to me that most everyone hated mr. bush and his conservative policies. not to mention most of my friends inside and out of the city disliked bush enough to join the club know as "kerry haters for kerry." obviously that skewed my perspective because not everyone felt that way, i mean bush won, right?
ok, so this might be a lame example, but it just got me to thinkin' this morning about how much our surroundings effect our perceptions of life.
here's hoping that during the next four years democrats and repulicans can find some common ground to make change for good.
signing off.

making the same decisions more than once

2004-11-01T16:42:00.000-06:00

i just attended the annual conference for the NASCW (north american association of christians in social work).
the first day of the seminars i sat there... i sat there and thought, what am i doing? why am i not working in the field? AH. this is my heart. this is my passion.
yes, i've said this before... in fact, just about every time i'm around people outside of my everyday life.
then i get home and somehow convince myself that this is a good place for now and i don't look for a new job. BULL. the truth is, i'm scared. i've been rejected alot, but that isn't what i'm scared of. i'm scared of change, i'm scared of failure. i'm not scared of not getting a job, i'm scared of getting a new job. how lame is that?
i also convince myself that its ok that i don't know anyone that lives on my street. um... this girl who talks about community. i'm a walking contradiction.
this is not a good place for now. i need people to remind me of this. i need people to get me fired up about social issues and about disadvantaged people. seriously, working in this realm is what i was created to do.

another thing.
the keynote speaker from the last session left me feeling extremely frustrated about comsumerism and how it has completely ruined our country. when i returned to chicago i went on a quest to return some items i had in my closet with the tags still on them. funny enough, when i walked into the store with nobility to return stuff, i felt this crazy almost unbearable desire to buy more stuff. more clothes. what the hell? i don't need more stuff. that is the last thing i need. but for some reason i feel like i need it. (just so you know, i didn't buy anything yesterday except an auntie anne's pretzel. that place had a completely irresistable smell.) but back to non-food items... i see ads, i look at other people and i want more. but why do i allow myself to get sucked in? rage!

one more thing: i know she will never read this (for she is far from technologically inclined) but i'd like to make a shout out to Miss Christina Marie on her 25th bday.

surreal nights

2004-11-01T11:09:00.000-06:00

i started my journey to the DC area last wednesday evening.
kat (who is awesome) drove me to the airport. good real conversations we had.
i was so excited again about the self check-in at the airport. (for anyone who has yet to experience this... it is way better than the grocery store self check-out, which produces more frustration than time saved.) you swipe a credit card for identification purposes. you touch "yes" this is my flight. you touch "yes" i'm checking baggage. you touch "yes" this seat will be fine. then it prints out your boarding pass, the dude or chick behind the counter gives you a sticker for your luggage, and you are on you merry way. no long lines. glorious.
i head into the terminal, get myself a nice chicken pesto sandwich and spur my mind to journey in a book.
i flew out of o'hare. one of the biggest airports in the country. but as i got on the plane i was shocked at its size. it was so small. i almost had to bend over a little to walk through. and i'm only 5'7". you couldn't even fit normal size carry ons. people were having to leave them at the gate to be put on the plane. i sat next to a nice older business man, had a short conversation about who we each are and i continue my reading. half way there i'm realizing the effects of a small plane on ones ears. i felt like i was scuba diving. i had to keep popping them with assistance. none of this yawning/chewing stuff was working. i mean i had to plug my nose and blow. (as i write this i picture myself and giggle.. i'm sure i was quite a sight.)
then the pilot announces that there is a lunar eclipse. but its on the left side and i'm on the right side, no biggie. but everyone around me starts talking about how this will probably be the only time we'll see a lunar eclipse from a plane and all the people on the left side were leaving there seats in order to allow the people on the right side to come over and look. (i've never experienced such nice people on a plane.) by the way. it was cool.
when we arrived... they couldn't connect the plane to the terminal so we exited down stairs to the outside. then entered the airport which was super small. i mean all this combined i just felt like i was stepping back in time to a place with much less technology. bizarre. all i kept thinking is this night is so bizarre.
then i waited about 45 mins for the hotel shuttle after calling them. i met a nice man from pennsylvania and another one from bermuda with a cool accent. he reminded me a little of Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island. i just sat there on the bench... waiting. upon arrival to the hotel i headed up to my friends room. a little confusion on the room sitch left 4 women with one king size bed. each of the other three women were already in bed (sad, cause i was not the least bit tired) and i ended up sleeping or at least laying on an armchair for the night.
that was the first day of my trip.
(it gets much better... i'm sure i'll write about it.)

more lyrics to make you think

2004-10-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

Cats in the Cradle
My child arrived just the other day
Came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
He was talkin' 'fore I knew it
And as he grew he said,
'I'm gonna be like you, Dad,
You know I'm gonna be like you.'

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man 'n the moon.
'When you comin' home?'
'Son, I don't know when. We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then.'

Well, my son turned ten just the other day.
He said, 'Thanks for the ball, Dad. Come on, let's play.
Could you teach me to throw?'
I said, 'Not today. I got a lot to do.'
He said, 'That's okay.'
And he walked away and he smiled and he said,
'You know, I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him.'

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
'I'm proud of you. Could you sit for a while?'
He shook his head and he said with a smile,
'What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?'

I've long since retired, my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
'I'd like to see you, if you don't mind.'
He said, 'I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time.
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu,
But it's sure nice talkin' to you, Dad.
It's been sure nice talkin' to you.'
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

Um... this song gets me everytime.
thought i'd share the words with you all today.

this is me!

2004-10-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

confidence

2004-10-25T13:56:00.000-05:00

first impressions.
i've been told many times over "i was intimidated by you." or "i thought you didn't like me." or "i thought you were a jerk." "i thought you were just too beautiful." "i thought you were way too smart to be my friend." things of this nature. (italics aren't real comments, obviously.) i can't imagine how this could be. how could someone who feels so insecure come across as so confident? do i overcompensate?
yesterday, while sitting at the game... Brown Eyed Girl came over the loudspeaker. i looked to mary and proudly proclaimed that it was my song. written for me, of course, cause i'm a brown eyed girl. i thought that this comment was obviously a joke. van morrison doesn't know me and i'm pretty sure he wrote the song about someone else. mary says something like this... i think you are the most confident girl i know.
really?
yes, really!

i don't understand.
i need some suggestions.
i don't want to be the unapproachable girl.
it doesn't seem like there is much else to say about this. if i start joking... confident, arrogant girl comes to surface. if i'm real... that's too scary.

bedtime

2004-10-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

it is hard for me to go to bed.
every night just about, i get to a point where i think, ok, i guess i'll just go to bed. (because i don't know what else to do.)
i was tired earlier today. but now, now that its 1am, i'm wide eyed.
this is annoying to me.
i know that tonight i'm still a little hyped up from our friday night meeting. it was another great night. how could i enjoy what i do more? these kiddos are frickin' awesome. yes indeed, awesome. God keeps surprising me with cool conversations and connections with youth who in the past i could have very easily killed. so, a shout out to you God. You rock!

new food in my life (over the last year)

2004-10-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

Meat.
Evidently, some of you don’t know yet, I eat meat. December 2003 I wanted chicken (who knows why, but I did, so I had it.) Now, after a little over 9 years meatless, I eat fish and birds. Still avoiding cow and pig at all costs. :o) But get this… I’ve even gotten to the point where I buy raw meat, cut it up, cook it and eat it. CRAZY!
Yogurt (despite the live active cultures… nasty!)
I have mostly been nastified at the thought of eating live active cultures (and still am, I just choose not to think about it.) however, someone convinced me that I needed that mold for healthy womanhood. I know not if that is completely true, however, I like it now. I’d just like to put in a plug for Yoplait. This, although usually more expensive, tastes much better than Dannon.
Beer.
Last summer I decided to try to acquire the taste for beer, for it is much cheaper when one is out on the town than the other stuff. I decided that goal is accomplished. Last night I had two beers and didn’t even bat an eye about it. It was actually enjoyable.

on rockers and rockin' out

2004-10-22T12:40:00.000-05:00

what is a rock star? i use the term “rock star” a lot, but i’m not sure what others think i mean when i use it. this crossed my mind last night as people around me were sorta freaking out.
i like to call my friends rock stars, and certainly they don’t fit the stereotypical “rock star” mold.

here is a question for you.
what goes through a performers mind when he is reaching out into the crowd to touch the hands of screaming girls?
Options:
"What am I doing?"
"This is quite weird. Who am I? "
"Sweet, I can cause a bunch of high school girls to scream and get excited when I reach out and touch them."
"Whatever, they like it, I’ll go with it."
"This is cool… I’m cool!"

I don’t know. I was just wondering....
(and feel free to add some possible options.)

some friends and i went to see switchfoot last night. it started out rough but ended up being a good show. it was a little strange though. we were surrounded by lots o’ youngins. (it made me smile to see groups of kids leaving the show to get into the cars of their parents waiting outside.) it started and ended quite early. and the encore was only one song. i thought that was really weird.
however, most of the shows i’ve been to lately have been much more mellow, so it was fun to listen/watch them seriously rock out. keep on rockin’ in the free world, guys.

cognitive faculties

2004-10-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

why is it that some people can have 5 million unanswered questions about their own faith and still believe?
why is it that those same unanswered questions prohibit others from believing?

why is it that some things seem unexplainable/unfathomable
and that those things are still accepted as truth by some
and that those things are deemed untruth or lies by others.

why is it that God have given us minds longing to understand, yet gives us faith rather than understanding?

what its like by everlast

2004-10-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

i heard this old song on the way to chruch last night, and being the sap that i am, it really got to me. i thought, yeah! these are good lyrics. right on man. how often do we judge people having no knowledge of even one page of their story. thought i'd remind all you lovelies what those crazy lyrics are.

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
Get a job you fuckin' slob's all he replied

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll I'm the man you've been dreamin' of
But three months later he said he won't date her or return her call
And she sweared god damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the doors
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like

I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked daddies dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start

I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late at night
Liked to get shit faced
And keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight
Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of his pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that's what they say when you play the game

God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like
To have to lose...

loving and being loved

2004-10-20T10:32:00.000-05:00

last night, after a few hours of building the maze...
one of my most difficult girls came up to me and said, "I've missed you lately (pause) kinda." as if right away she realized how uncool what she had just said was.
so immediately i gave her the opportunity to redeem her "coolness." i said, "that's because i'm way cooler than everyone else you've been spending time with lately."
to which she replied, "no, my friends are way cooler than you are! (pause) but i've still missed you (pause) kinda."
so i gave her a huge hug and we chatted for a while.
isn't that great.
it is fun to be liked and appreciated.
youth ministry sure has its ups and downs but i'm really feeling excited these last couple weeks about the opportunities i've had to really connect with some of the students. God was awesome last friday in allowing me the ability to love some hard-to-love kids, which is very profitable for the future with them. and then good times last night. it's sweet when you get to spend some quality time connecting with kids that normally are on a totally different playing field than yourself. God is good. i am encouraged.

my mechanic boyfriend

2004-10-19T08:28:00.000-05:00

(or at least my version of one, since he's neither a mechanic or my boyfriend,)
looked at my car before and after fixin'. last night, i was really upset with myself for having just agreed to get work done without consulting someone with more knowledge. ah.. a second opinion. who'd a thunk.
so anyway, he's convinced that they did unnecessary work. was actually quite enraged about it. just listening to his frustration about the injustice made me feel justified (because by the time he came over i had already come to terms with the money loss.) he insisted that we take the car back in and talk with the manager, which we did this morning. we'll see what happens. they are supposedly going to have someone look through the dumpster for the old part which didn't need to be thrown out.
but i'd at least like to give a little shout out to my boy erik.
thanks man, you're the best.

2 things:
1. i'll never be able to go back there again, cause i'm quite sure they now hate me.
2. i learned a lesson. talk to someone you know and TRUST about your car before making decisions.

gosh i feel like a loser even writing about this, but its where i'm at this morning, so...

emotional monday

2004-10-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

maybe it's because its monday,
maybe it's because i miss my buddies back in OH,
maybe it's because i just dropped lots of $ on my car,
mabye it's because i have a big hurty zit on my chin,
mabye it's because it's raining and cold,
mabye it's because i'm scared of the unknown in my future,
maybe it's a combination...
but i feel sad today.

i happen to be signing along with David Crowder right now and i'm feeling a little cheerier.

i watched Super Size Me this weekend. it's good. I recommend it.
but funny enough mary and i ate McDonalds for breakfast the very next morning.

interview update

2004-10-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

i almost forgot.
the interview went really well yesterday.
i need to sort through all my thoughts now. (the drama.)
it seems like it could be a great opportunity to get into the field. the agency seems pretty cool. i have a second interview with the director of the agency on wednesday.
john and i are planning to sit down and "talk" this afternoon.
i have alot of thinking and praying to do.

my car

2004-10-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

this morning on the way to work i couldn't get my heat to come on. you can imagine the panic that hit me being that winter is quickly arriving. (currently 47 and rainy.) when i arrived i discussed it with the men. i asked bob if he would come downstairs and take a looksie. he is so awesome. on the ground he was, checking out the sitch. there was a delivery man waiting downstairs who also came over to have a look and add his two cents. all the while me standing there cold and clueless. i explained to them how i know when i take my car in i get taken advantage of, but there isn't much i can do about it since i know nothing. to which i was told "you need to find yourself a mechanic boyfriend." this statement quickly followed by, "no, men are pigs, stay away from them." the funny things men say. i think it is great that men are the ones telling me to stay away from men. anyway, the final resort was just hitting the blower wires. this, of all things, made the heat come on.... praise the lord. i already had an appointment for an oil change on monday, so i just came back in the office and made a list with correct terminology in order to relate with the mechanic, called them and changed my time in order to insure the other problems will be checked as well. today i am thankful that i know men who know cars. yes.

i would also like to mention that if you have not already seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... you must do so. excellent.

lists

2004-10-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

this week i think in lists.

the 80s.
while driving into the office today i heard a few songs classified as 80s music which reminded me of several things.
~i watched The Wedding Singer the other night with my roommates and was reminded that it is a funny movie. i like it.
~we took the 80s music quiz afterwards. um... two things.
1. my roommates know their 80s music. wow!
2. i am not very good at knowing the "real" lyrics to songs. i often just put words into songs that fit there, regardless of whether or not they even make sense or are the correct lyrics.
(i think i'll add this to my list of things to work on)

bedtime and wakeup calls
last night i was bored again. it was about 10pm and both my roommies were already in bed. what to do, what to do. i don't know. i washed the dishes (hopefully not too loudly). i WD40ed my doors (that stuff works wonders). i made about 5 phone calls and (left messages). i read the word of God. i journaled. i prayed. (i decided not to pick up Angels and Demons last night.) and i thought to myself... Why can't i just go to bed when the rest of the house does? Why do i just lay here wide awake everynight?
keeping on track with what i posted yesterday about getting up early, i decided to get up early today. i actually got out of my bed at 6:40 am. both my roommates were still home. (usually they are gone by the time i get up.) it hit me, no wonder they go to bed so early, they get up freakin' early. dangit. i showered, made coffee and then spent the next 1 1/2 hours... getting ready? What?! a morning wasted because i don't know how to look professional for an interview. i really need help with this. maybe this is why i don't get up early, so i don't have time to worry about what i'm going to wear. or maybe if i picked out clothes the night before this would help. hum... am i really writting about this?

new subject. TV.
before the debate last night, kat and i watched probably one of the lamest shows on the tube. smallville. but what i want to tell you all, is that i was totally into it. blatently making fun of it, while at the same time really wanting to know what would happen next. seriously. not to mention young clark is quite a looker.

cold toes.
how does one avoid having cold toes? i can't seem to get rid of this problem. winter - summer - spring - fall. cold toes. its annoying.

one more thing to leave you with. Jeremiah 10:23
I know, O LORD , that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

now i will do some work. or get some more coffee. we'll see.