stronghold?

i choose to keep it vague today.
have you ever held onto something for what seems like FOREVER or at least much longer than you think you "should?" then focusing on the fact that you "should" let go only perpetuates the fact that you are hanging on, thus causing the feeling of hopelessness. i suppose it could be classified as a stronghold. the truth is, i don't want to let go, so i keep acting like God is not speaking. i ask again and again for him to speak to me. he does. i either hear and soon forget or i don't listen after i ask. imagine that. one thing i know for sure is i am very good at "should"ing myself, and i know that it doesn't help.

i mentioned last night to my small group that i was an emotional roller coaster and my friend across the room said something like, i hear you, we should start an amusement park. he he. it seems the only two options when one feels hopeless are crying and laughing. i've had my fair share of both lately. but let me just reiterate, laughter is a GREAT coping mechanism.

back to the thoughts at hand. i prayed for the 5 millionth time last night about this particular issue, asking the Lord what to do, what to not do, blah blah blah. today, a simple conversation with an unsuspecting friend confirmed in my mind again, that which i don't want to hear from God. But its true. so stop denying it, thus putting yourself through more agony. self talk is also a great coping mechanism. at this point i suppose a simple "thanks God for making it so clear to me when i asked" will suffice.

another thing. LOGIC. it usually works when one uses it to guide their actions. however it does not usually work quite as good when one tries to guide feelings with it. feelings are not controlled very easily. i mean, you feel how you feel, even if it isn't logical. i don't like that.

one more thing to note: i read a very interesting article from relevant today about christians and depression. check it out. http://www.relevantmagazine.com/print.php?sid=4820
(i don't know how to make the link look cool yet... by the way, a shout out of thanks to ryan for showing me how to add links to my sidebar. much appreciated.)