making the same decisions more than once

i just attended the annual conference for the NASCW (north american association of christians in social work).
the first day of the seminars i sat there... i sat there and thought, what am i doing? why am i not working in the field? AH. this is my heart. this is my passion.
yes, i've said this before... in fact, just about every time i'm around people outside of my everyday life.
then i get home and somehow convince myself that this is a good place for now and i don't look for a new job. BULL. the truth is, i'm scared. i've been rejected alot, but that isn't what i'm scared of. i'm scared of change, i'm scared of failure. i'm not scared of not getting a job, i'm scared of getting a new job. how lame is that?
i also convince myself that its ok that i don't know anyone that lives on my street. um... this girl who talks about community. i'm a walking contradiction.
this is not a good place for now. i need people to remind me of this. i need people to get me fired up about social issues and about disadvantaged people. seriously, working in this realm is what i was created to do.

another thing.
the keynote speaker from the last session left me feeling extremely frustrated about comsumerism and how it has completely ruined our country. when i returned to chicago i went on a quest to return some items i had in my closet with the tags still on them. funny enough, when i walked into the store with nobility to return stuff, i felt this crazy almost unbearable desire to buy more stuff. more clothes. what the hell? i don't need more stuff. that is the last thing i need. but for some reason i feel like i need it. (just so you know, i didn't buy anything yesterday except an auntie anne's pretzel. that place had a completely irresistable smell.) but back to non-food items... i see ads, i look at other people and i want more. but why do i allow myself to get sucked in? rage!

one more thing: i know she will never read this (for she is far from technologically inclined) but i'd like to make a shout out to Miss Christina Marie on her 25th bday.