i'm sitting here struggling. trying to figure out how to share what is on my heart. how do i explain my latest thoughts and feelings? how do i put in words what is swirling around in my head. i can only think so much before i just want to give up and go to bed. i'm not depressed. i know this to be true. but my head is filled with lots of questions. questions that i think i'm afraid to answer. what if i find answers that will force me to change. its too scary. but its so necessary.

i'm curious (if anyone still looks at my blog) to know what you would say "the church" is. what is the church as God intended? what is it supposed to look like today? are we supposed to have these big buildings where we gather on sunday mornings to "worship"? i'm not so sure we are. but is it too crazy to try to sway from that?
weekly meetings. accountability. right now these thoughts make me feel sick to my stomach. i know that they were not intended to do so. am i so skewed in my thinking or do we as a people really have it all wrong? why after 24 years of church am i again questioning the way we do things.

for the last few months i've been feeling... i suppose "church" and most activities included in organized christianity started to feel very stifling. very overwhelming. very obligatory. i don't want it to feel like this thing that i am checking off my list each sunday and tuesday. like i have to complete these tasks. i don't feel like there is anything in me to give, and at the same time i am not open enough to gain. i might be a drama queen because that late statement is not entirely true, but when one is freaking out, one takes things to the extremes. i am most definitely both giving and receiving. i have mostly questions. but it just seemed right after much thought and some prayer to take a break from it all. so this is what i do. i break.

there is the possibility that this questioning is masking something else. i need to get to the bottom of this. am i running from something? am i mad at God for something? i don't know, but i do know that not having time to process through these things will not help. so i pray this night, yet again, that i am wise in my break. that i seek hard after the Lord and his desires for me. show me God what it is that you long to see here on this crazy earth. help me to catch your vision and find my place in it.