lost

i'm lost.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i'm at my parents house today. i came home to celebrate my brother's birthday with him and my dad. my mom is in FL with my grandparents.
it seems lately that i cry more than i do anything else. that however is not reality. i know that its not. but since i've just finished another bout of tears, that is where my head is. so. my grandfather is doing really bad. he can't breathe very well and the decision makers are having a hard time deciding whether or not to put him back on the ventalator. first of all, his whole throat and mouth is scabbed up from the last time he had it in. second of all, if they put it in that creates more risk for his already weak heart. evidently he has tubes coming out of his body all over the place and he looks awful. and i just keep thinking, Lord, if you are going to take him, do it, this sucks. hes in so much pain. but he wants to live, hes fighting. even though his heart is barely beating, and hes gasping for air, and his blood pressure is extremely low.
did i mention that the decision makers are my mom and my aunt.
he has full cognition though.
gosh, i thought he was doing so much better. he WAS doing so much better. what happened? what does all this mean?
my poor grandma. i can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone for 55yrs and then be spending weeks at the hospital wondering whether or not your sweetie will ever be coming home again.
ah. tears.

i praise the Lord that there are no estranged relationships in my family. i praise the Lord that my grandfather knows and loves his heavenly father more than anything. i praise the Lord that when i my grandfather does die that he will be partying with Jesus for eternity. there are so many things to be thankful for. but still sadness overcomes me.

i want you to understand my grandpa though... my mom said that he is trying to communicate by pointing and writing on the white board. earlier today he kept pointing down and they didn't know what he was saying, so he wrote on the white board, "farts." he wanted them to know that he was farting. his soul is so young.

my prayer is for him to live. but Lord seriously, he's in so much pain, if he's coming home, bring him home already.