word vomit

because my job is so hard on me i find that my weekends are almost like mini vacations. two days every week, where i don't think about the stress of work. i almost feel lazy because i don't want to do anything. i'm completely content to sleep in and lay on the couch all day. i keep thinking about a real vacation in the sun or in europe. am i alone in this? then comes sunday night when i almost don't want to go to bed because i know that when i wake up tomorrow starts five more days of what feels like continual stress.
this all coming from a girl who when asked would say that she likes her job. i know.
my prayer is that i will be able to give myself grace throughout the next few months as i continue to learn the many processes and procedures of illinois child welfare case managment. oh my. i strive to remember that my worth and dignity come from the Lord and no where else. he has blessed me with a job where i am allowed to work with people and potentially help them. it is good. and eventually i will learn how to handle all the unrealistic expectations put on me. (smile.)
tears are ok.
it is ok to feel.
in fact, it is good to feel.
to be numb is awful.
numb.
i remember this time last year i was pretty numb. i decided i didn't want to feel anymore, i was tired of all the crying. i was somehow able to shut it off, not knowing really when it would come back. on good friday 2004 i decided that i needed something new in my life. and what did i do with that thought you ask... i got a tattoo. hum. surprisingly enough i started feeling that next day. i wailed and cried as my feelings rushed back in. (and i'm not talking about physical feeling for anyone who was wondering if my tattoo hurt.)
i went home that night and my parents just sat in the living room with me and listened as i cried to them about my heart pain and fears. my parents are awesome. a shout out to them. seriously. thanks for loving me so. through thick and thin. good times and hard times.
ok, i think i'm going to start to try to settle down tonight. i have to be at court in the morning afterall.

it is holy week now. let us rememeber the love our our amazing lord.