blogging slump

i used to sit in an office with little to do other than think all day about both interesting and ridiculous things. i was known to post three or four blog entries a day. i am glad that i no longer have that job for more than one reason but one to note is that it seems unhealthy for me to have that much time to think about things. yes... my brain already over analyzes just about everything... i don't need the extra time to allow myself to turn psychotic. on the other hand, i fear that i have lost that analytical spirit and don't think good thoughts much anymore. i find myself getting dumber as time goes on and think i should go back to school or something. i don't ever really want to go back to school as far as i can tell (although that could be the burn-out still speaking.) i did want to say today that i feel really good. i feel what seem to be true joy. i feel refreshed and excited about life. i don't think i get to feel this way very often so i want to fully embrace it. i want to stay up and be happy. ha. (i also think i drank coffee too late tonight.)
but i also really have quite a bit i need to accomplish before going to bed tonight so i should stop doing this and head into my room.

gray hairs

last week one of the kids that i work with pulled out a couple of my gray hairs while she was ever so nicely fixing my hair. then she and i found it good to pass the time by pulling out my gray hairs while we waiting for her sister. which left me wanting to pull more and more out, as if as some point they might all be gone. i mean for years i've been letting the grays grow. they aren't even that noticable unless you start really looking. but i've found myself pulling a few out here and a few out there. tonight i stood in front of the mirror and pulled out 20 or so before i realized, they are not all going to come out and this is a bad idea. now, not only am i going to have gray hairs, but i'm going to have lots of little short gray hairs that are probably sticking up, because who here has noticed that gray hairs are wirey? yuck, in their own beautiful sort of way. i'm only a quarter of a century years old, dang.

i'm sitting here struggling. trying to figure out how to share what is on my heart. how do i explain my latest thoughts and feelings? how do i put in words what is swirling around in my head. i can only think so much before i just want to give up and go to bed. i'm not depressed. i know this to be true. but my head is filled with lots of questions. questions that i think i'm afraid to answer. what if i find answers that will force me to change. its too scary. but its so necessary.

i'm curious (if anyone still looks at my blog) to know what you would say "the church" is. what is the church as God intended? what is it supposed to look like today? are we supposed to have these big buildings where we gather on sunday mornings to "worship"? i'm not so sure we are. but is it too crazy to try to sway from that?
weekly meetings. accountability. right now these thoughts make me feel sick to my stomach. i know that they were not intended to do so. am i so skewed in my thinking or do we as a people really have it all wrong? why after 24 years of church am i again questioning the way we do things.

for the last few months i've been feeling... i suppose "church" and most activities included in organized christianity started to feel very stifling. very overwhelming. very obligatory. i don't want it to feel like this thing that i am checking off my list each sunday and tuesday. like i have to complete these tasks. i don't feel like there is anything in me to give, and at the same time i am not open enough to gain. i might be a drama queen because that late statement is not entirely true, but when one is freaking out, one takes things to the extremes. i am most definitely both giving and receiving. i have mostly questions. but it just seemed right after much thought and some prayer to take a break from it all. so this is what i do. i break.

there is the possibility that this questioning is masking something else. i need to get to the bottom of this. am i running from something? am i mad at God for something? i don't know, but i do know that not having time to process through these things will not help. so i pray this night, yet again, that i am wise in my break. that i seek hard after the Lord and his desires for me. show me God what it is that you long to see here on this crazy earth. help me to catch your vision and find my place in it.

ramblings

sometimes one has to make a clean break between ones head and ones heart. sometimes a separation of thoughts from feelings is good. sometimes what you know and what you feel are at odds with one another and it seems they may never have harmony. so, one must make a decision... which will they go with? the mind or the heart.

sometimes you get to watch and listen to someone play music and it just makes you happy. i was able to go watch this band tonight that left me smiling. they were enjoying themselves. they were making fun sounds. people were groovin'. it's summer people. it's the time of year when we are outside, sweating like crazy, and loving it. i am thankful for instruments and voices and sound equiptment that make concerts possible. good times. i decided tonight that mason jennings is cool. (i'm quite sure i'm behind the times, but...)

after that i watched and listened to some guys who made me laugh. also a good experience but not quite the same. we heard about 2.5 songs and left to get ice cream, a summer staple, instead. i was wondering what had happened to the spin doctors... and now, after hearing 2.5 songs, i'm not so concerned. that is one new album i know that i won't be purchasing.

do you ever watch something and then decide you should take up the hobby. i watched "save the last dance" again the other night, and thought i should start dancing again. tonight while watching mason jennings i thought, gosh i think i'll go home and practice the guitar. none of these things will probably happen, but the thoughts are nice. (smile)

who knew

i had a rough weekend. i went to my parents house to rid it of me. ha, ok, not really. my parents are moving so i had the job of going home and packing up all my stuff. it was hard to do. and its amazing how much "stuff" i still had there. i threw many boxes of stuff away. i packed up some stuff to keep in the attic (why i don't know, but my mom wouldn't let me get rid of everything). i cried quite a bit. i cried when i saw my dad cleaning out the attic. i cried when i sat out on the back porch. i cried when i walked down to the pond. (i'm crying as i type this.) i cried when i walked out of my room for the last time. i cried as i drove away. its too wierd.
i only lived in that house for one year before i went off to college, but it has been my home... my stable place throughout all my instability for the last 8 years. i don' t like the thought of having to get directions the next time i go to visit my parents. i suppose its not that big of a deal, but today i feel sorta sad about it.
i'm going to praise the lord for the ability to feel. i am thankful that we humans are created as emotional beings. the ups and downs are what make life so beautiful.

sleepiness

do you ever just want to sleep more than anything else?
do you ever make it possible for yourself?
last night i felt tired and sad so i decided just to lay down... at about 8:00.
i had a few tears and then fell asleep.
i got up this morning at 6:45.
now that is what i call a good nights sleep.
although it is already 8:25 and i still feel a little groggy.
coffee. coffee is calling me. that would require me to get off my bum and get some.

today holds a good stong work day... hopefully not too much drama... and then lawn seats for alison krauss. yummy.

prayer is a wonderful thing. my lord is a wonderful thing. he will get me through this day.

gross, i think

today around 11:30 am, i got a chicken strips meal from Arby's. i ate half of the fries and half of the chicken. (it was too much.) then when i got back into my car around 5:30 pm, i thought, "i'm hungry," and i ate the rest of it. it was a little soggy, but still OK.
i felt like that was strange enough to share with people.