plaguing question causes pain

ok seriously folks...
what does one do once one starts down the road of bad posture?
i find myself continuously slumped down so low, it's almost disgusting.
i'll think, "i need to work on my posture." but nothing so far has helped me actually work on it. i need help!

word vomit

because my job is so hard on me i find that my weekends are almost like mini vacations. two days every week, where i don't think about the stress of work. i almost feel lazy because i don't want to do anything. i'm completely content to sleep in and lay on the couch all day. i keep thinking about a real vacation in the sun or in europe. am i alone in this? then comes sunday night when i almost don't want to go to bed because i know that when i wake up tomorrow starts five more days of what feels like continual stress.
this all coming from a girl who when asked would say that she likes her job. i know.
my prayer is that i will be able to give myself grace throughout the next few months as i continue to learn the many processes and procedures of illinois child welfare case managment. oh my. i strive to remember that my worth and dignity come from the Lord and no where else. he has blessed me with a job where i am allowed to work with people and potentially help them. it is good. and eventually i will learn how to handle all the unrealistic expectations put on me. (smile.)
tears are ok.
it is ok to feel.
in fact, it is good to feel.
to be numb is awful.
numb.
i remember this time last year i was pretty numb. i decided i didn't want to feel anymore, i was tired of all the crying. i was somehow able to shut it off, not knowing really when it would come back. on good friday 2004 i decided that i needed something new in my life. and what did i do with that thought you ask... i got a tattoo. hum. surprisingly enough i started feeling that next day. i wailed and cried as my feelings rushed back in. (and i'm not talking about physical feeling for anyone who was wondering if my tattoo hurt.)
i went home that night and my parents just sat in the living room with me and listened as i cried to them about my heart pain and fears. my parents are awesome. a shout out to them. seriously. thanks for loving me so. through thick and thin. good times and hard times.
ok, i think i'm going to start to try to settle down tonight. i have to be at court in the morning afterall.

it is holy week now. let us rememeber the love our our amazing lord.

kiddos

i'm sitting here at home while my roommate babysits for our little 5 year old friend. i was painting my nails and drinking coffee like any good princess would. at the same time, i was delighted as i watched and listened to the ladies play pretend. how fun to watch a 24 year old and a 5 year old entertain each other. it's the little things in life.
earlier, i was also able to join them while they painted stones and turned them into magnents. it is nice to take a break from adult junk and enjoy a silly little art project.
i'll actually be babysitting some little ones tonight and now i look forward to it more than ever.

queen of the mini blog

a quote from my boy, Richard Foster:
"when you are unable to put your spiritual life into drive, do not put it into reverse, put it into neutral. Trust is how you put your spiritual life in neutral. Trust is confidence in the character of God."
easier said than done. believe me, i know. but still good words.

weak heart

I always thought I was pretty tough. But I've been quite surprised by my reaction to people being mean to me as of late. Today was the second time since I started this job that I had someone yell at me and then just hang up before I had a chance to say anything. The first time I was completly stressed out already and therefore I cried. Today, I hung my head and repeated to myself, "I am not a bad person, that was not personal." Geeze Louise, I'm not the bad guy here. Lord help me.

one of life's little dilemmas

i always long for down time... i just want to have time when nothing is required of me. today i had that. all afternoon i had that. i went roller blading and sat down by the lake for a while reading. oh so nice and sunny today was. but then i got home at like 4:30 and wanted something to do. what the heck. why can't i just chill. i want to be alone and then i am alone and i want to be with people. maybe i'm just unpleaseable. hmmm. ok now there are people here and i can't think. so i'll have to write more later.

it's comical, you see

Last night two more things "happened."
1. someone threw a rather large rock through the window of my car. i had four kids with me at the time (we weren't in the car). but as i drove them home we did get quite cold. burr.
2. i found out that i am the victim of identity theft. evidently the people who stole my wallet last week were able somehow to get ahold of my social security number and have opened credit cards in my name.

so i now have a brand new window for my car (i'm waiting on the body work that needs to be done), and my name and social security number are flagged. who knew how real this identity theft stuff really was?!

mary tells me its all uphill from here.
my parents are going to drive up this weekend so they can give me a hug. i can't wait.
but seriously. all you peps out there that are helping me out, a shout out to you. you are GREAT!